Tiptoe across the silouhette of the moon

It is a star lit night as I look out of my window – watching the condensation….or is it rain, slowly work its way down the window pane.  Window pane…window pain…looking straight into my soul – through it – through me – into the void where my heart and head no longer talk to each other.  I knew it was wrong – I knew it and that is the thing that bothers me the most.   I knew it and still let myself talk myself around into believing the good.

I refuse to not see the good in people – I refuse to not let them show me that side.  It’s not my fault that so many people in this world aren’t good after all.  But I still refuse to believe it.  At least now I know that it is not my fault.  I am not the one that has gone around behaving, well, quite frankly, like a dick.  I am not deserving of such treatment and best to know now I suppose – best to know now that he doesn’t know how to treat a lady.

Still…knowing all this doesn’t really make it hurt any less.  Knowing all this doesn’t make things feel ok or better or like they ever will be.  I know they will be – I’ve been through worse – but the problem is the more times I go through stuff the more times I think that I am destined to just always have the wrong ones gravitate towards me.

Other people make this look so easy, they seem to have so much fun and just seem to stumble upon their match.  I just constantly stub my toe as I wonder aimlessly around this forest, tangled mess that is my life.

I see my reflection staring back blankly – the little rivers of moisture on the window looking like they are making their way down my reflections face.  I smile at her – I know what she has been through – she looks back at me with sadness, as though she knows what could still be to come.  So I reach out and pull my sweater sleeve over my hand and quickly wipe the moisture away, wiping away the  face of the errors that I have made.

I smile.  There is no reflection to smile back at me this time but I can feel the smile – I can feel the joy it fakes me into feeling.  It’s a good feeling – even if it is not yet real.

My brother was right – there are a lot of bastards out there.  Why can’t he be right about the good and positive stuff too?

I turn around to face my little bedside mirror – peering into my eyes.  They look back almost bambi like – there are no tears – not even close.  I sort of expected there to be some – but there are none, not even a slight glisten – this makes me laugh internally.  Here I am all upset yet there’s not even one hint of a tear.

I look closer.  I look tired.  I figure I should try to get some sleep.

 

 

I look up at the window at the girl that has my heart.  She doesn’t know it but things were just too hard.  I couldn’t find a way that was going to make it work in the way I wanted it too – I was getting too stressed and too angry about life and would only truly smile when she was talking to me.  Too many people were noticing but I wasn’t ready to let the world know about her yet.  There was something wonderful about her being my little secret.  I couldn’t believe she was mine – I pinched myself so often I was sure I was going to leave a permanent bruise.  But I couldn’t let the world know about us I just couldn’t and I think she took that to mean I was ashamed.

And I was. Of me. Not her.  I just couldn’t believe that someone so beautiful, so smart, so cool would like me.  We were worlds apart but somehow cut from the same cloth.

She made me laugh.  She made me think.  I felt close to her even when I couldn’t see her.  She taught me so much in just one small conversation.  She’d make me notice things I had never seen before.

She took it as disinterest.  I was just in awe.

I felt her back away and I did nothing to pull her closer.  I didn’t know what to do – I’d never cared before – I had spent a life going through the motions.

Her very being made me ashamed of my own.

Her life was so rich I started to see mine as stained, tarnished, that something was dulling the sparkle.

She was the sparkle and yet somehow I made her feel that she was the one thing that was smothering out the flame.

I did what I always do.  I played the tough guy. I played it cool.  I was so scared of getting burnt, of burning her – that I ran to the coldest place I know.  My heart.

Only it wasn’t so cold anymore.  It was full of heat for her.

I can see her face, the blank eyed stare.  I have hurt the one thing I never wanted to even slightly tarnish and now I can’t even get close.

I tried to speak to her today.  She smiled, she laughed, she spoke to me but I could see that she was holding back.  That she was nervous, on edge.  I couldn’t tell what she thought of me anymore. I could see the smile was playful, but I did wonder if it was just her playing with it not turning into a snarl.  I could see in her eyes that I had killed something – something that was there long before I came along.

I had damaged her.  I hoped not for good – but I feared…

So I slunk back into the shadows letting her think that I had just changed my mind.  I knew she would hurt but I hope that by stepping back now it will only be me that aches forever.  Something she will never know.

I look back at the window one more time and see her reach out to wipe the window.  I hold my hand out so with my distorted vision it looks like we are touching hands.  I breath a quiet prayer for her to live a happy life and I wipe away my own tears in time with her wiping the window.  As she steps backwards – I do too, and I am gone, back into the shadows of her life where for a very brief moment I did emerge.

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I have no recollection of writing most of this…….I love how I do that!

It’s cold out there – it’s been cold for years – but you turned up and you were like a security blanket that I didn’t even know I needed.

It was a touchless embrace.  It was just there – suddenly it was the comfort I had been needing – there were no words – there was no sound – just this feeling, a sense, a need.

Innocent perfection.  But there is no perfection so how can that be so?  It was a stolen moment that felt so right it’s the nearest to perfection that I can think of but there is no word for that but to describe it in such a way doesn’t sound as great as that moment was – it just sounds like the ramble this is.  It needed to be purer than that.

It was beyond charm or innocence.

There was nothing to it but there was everything within its seams.

So much there if it was bothered to be searched for.

It’s easy to speak, to smile to say things without meaning – but what about meaning it – laying yourself out to be vulnerable.

It’s good to take a chance and see who catches you.

You will be surprised who does and who lets you fall.

You will be surprised by why some people let you fall but you shouldn’t concern yourself with them.  Good people won’t let you fall – no matter what.

Friendship is better than nothing? What a stupid thing to say – friendship is everything – it’s the best compliment, the biggest thing in life, it will get you through the most and make you learn the most, and will make you smile and laugh.  Don’t define the lines that it comes in – just accept it – treasure it – nurture it.  Don’t ruin it.  Don’t let anything get in the way.

Those walls will only stop you – they will only damage you.  You build a wall around yourself to protect you but the heart has wings and will soar away and then it will be you left alone in your empty brick box.

Don’t define the lines.

Lines mean nothing.  They are someone else’s opinion.

And what do they know?

I am not someone else’s to draw lines on me.  It is not for someone else to try to tell me who I am.  I am not that sort of person – you can’t box me up – you should never try – if you do then you have lost and I will slowly fade away.  I will be free outside of the lines you are drawing around yourself.

I’ll be the butterfly dancing outside of the windows of your soul – the one that you sealed up and now you want to escape but you forgot how to get the windows open.

Terrible.

It must be like drowning and looking up to see the heart break on your loved ones face and realising that you only let yourself drown because you didn’t think they loved you anymore.

Lost.

Wasted.

Opportunities flowing through your fingers like tiny grains of sand, but there is no glass of an egg timer catching these grains so you can turn it over and start again – once these grains hit the floor they are gone – done – over.

Don’t ever let things be over.

Life should be a series of loose ends, you don’t know when you might need to pick one up again – or when you need to join some together.

Life isn’t meant to work out how you think you want it to – it will work out how it needs to.  How you need it to – whether you know this or not.  If you don’t get what you want exactly how you want it – it is because there is a bigger purpose for it.

I’ve seen people throw away the best friend they never had – just because they weren’t open to seeing things outside of the lines.

Find a picture and colour it in, go outside the lines – how do you feel? Out of control and stupid? Like you did something wrong? Those are forced lessons from a youth that has no place in your adult world.

Who gets ahead in life? Those that play it safe or those that think outside the box, the ones that go outside the lines, the ones that take a chance, the ones that don’t sulk but open their arms to the opportunities and don’t shut things down and turn things off, that put a covering over their heart and pull down the shutters and wonder why no one calls anymore.  Wonder why people only get so far.  It’s not worth the risk. Life is too short for those sorts of chances.  We need to feel and if you have too much around you – no one can sense your energy and you will be left withering away by yourself –growing more and more bitter as you go from ripe, to over ripe to some shrivelled up former version of yourself.

Value the friendships and know that we all started as strangers.  Think of that next time you push someone away and don’t give them the time of day.

Remember that next time you bite someone’s head off.

Remember that no matter what, people care for you – that you might not know who, or how or why – but they do and don’t go trying to change that – just because it doesn’t fit the picture you created in your head.

The picture in your head is just make believe, it’s not real life.

But here’s the thing – sometimes life is better than your fantasy – but you’ll only know if you stay open long enough to find out.

And another treat – you lucky lucky people

A while ago I would do a writing test where a friend would send a picture and I would have to write 1000 words in the form of a story about it.  You know how they say a picture can speak a thousand words, the other thing with this was I was not allowed to spend any time thinking about it – that I would be sent a picture and just write whatever came out.  I like it – it’s fun.  It’s weird as when you read back through it – quite often you don’t really recall writing it – but it’s a good exercise, and I’ve started it again – so here is the first one.

This is the picture:

ImageTo add to the challenge I tried to incorporate the air of ‘Treat’ as that is the topic for todays’ blog.

So here is the story:

‘What is she doing……Ellie what is your sister doing?  Ellie? Ok then Honey, what are you trying to be little Susie, what are you doing?’

‘She’s being a panda!’ and Ellie flounced away.

She had a knack for knowing what her little sister was doing.  What she was thinking.  Or maybe she just made it up and everyone had come to believe whatever Ellie said Susie was thinking or doing or wanting.  Susie never put up any complaint so people just went along with it – anything for an easy life – never stopping once to ask a question or think about how Ellie would know.

Ellie had a theory.  It was that she had magical powers.  Her Mother had another theory – but we won’t go into that one.

Ellie had longed for a sister, she had written to Santa every year begging him for a sister.  One year she even said that she would go without any new dolls house furniture and maybe even without any new dolls as long as Santa brought her a little sister.  She didn’t ask her Mom – she didn’t even think to, she just thought if she prayed at night and was a good little girl and asked Santa nicely then she would get what she was wanting.

Thing is she knew she wasn’t always a good little girl – but she was never too bad – not like Tara from next door, she was just positively hideous.  And yet somehow, Ellie was pretty sure she still got gifts at Christmas.

Four years ago Ellie was extra especially good, at least for the run up to Christmas and she really thought that she would be able to get her wish granted, that her dream would come true.  But she saw how fat her Mommy was getting and thought that all their spare money must be being spent on pie and she knew that children cost a lot of money – she kept being told that, frequently it was said when she came home from school with another hole in her tights or her new shoes scuffed up.  She couldn’t help it.  It wasn’t her fault, but still her Mom would tell her off, yet still she’d come home all scuffed up.  She couldn’t help that she liked to climb trees.  It wasn’t her fault that she didn’t’ have a brother to help teach her how to get down again…..or to have a Dad present long enough to pick her up out of the tree and get her home safely, so you see, it really wasn’t her fault.

She looked back at Susie on the carpet and smiled.  That Christmas, the one where her mom got super fat had been the best ever.  Christmas morning came and Ellie saw lots of presents at the foot of her bed, at first she was super excited and in mid clap and dance around her bedroom she stopped and fell to the floor.  This meant she had no little sister.  Again!!

She soon forgot about it as she unwrapped her presents but as the days ticked on she started to feel sad again.  She knew that everything would be better if she had her little sister.

A week after Christmas her Dad was around more than normal and her Mom wasn’t.  She was woken in the middle of the night with her Dad saying that she had a new baby sister.  She rubbed her eyes in confusion and went back to sleep, when she woke in the morning she barely remembered her weird dream.  She went to eat breakfast and saw her Dad all ready to leave the house.

‘Hurry up Ellie, we have to get to the hospital!’

‘Why, who is hurt?’ she innocently replied.  Her Dad sighed so she went back upstairs, ignoring her breakfast and got dressed.

They got to the hospital in no time at all and there was her Mom all wrapped up in bed.  Ellie had gasped out loud for their in her Mom’s arms was another little bundle and there was no mistaking what this was.  It was everything Ellie had been dreaming of!

The reality had not been quite so good for the first few months – the baby just seemed to cry and be sick and make horrible smells and Ellie was starting to feel very pleased that she had not forgone any of her toys for this thing.  But slowly the little baby that was also known as Susie started to develop and grow and soon enough she was crawling around which was much more fun.

She ignored everyone though.  At first Ellie thought she was rude, and then she found it super funny – then the trips to the hospital started.

Susie was almost totally deaf; they didn’t think there was anything that could be done.

Ellie was confused, she didn’t really understand and would continuously; unconsciously stroke her sister’s ears, willing them to work.  Something about this action made a bond so incredibly thick between the sisters, one that no one could break, and this was when Ellie started speaking for her sister, and Susie seemed just fine with it.

Two years later, Ellie decided it would be great fun if they could have a pet.  She asked for a dog and it was a loud resounding no.  So she told the whole world that Susie wanted a panda.  If she had a panda then she would stop pretending not to hear people.

This went on for a year.  The panda never arrived, neither did a baby brother.  All that changed was her Dad was around less and less until she realised one day she hadn’t seen him for almost a year.  On that day she dressed up Susie as a Panda and called her Blossom.  She told everyone that this was what Susie wanted and Susie just sat there and chuckled.  Each time someone called her Blossom she would chuckle.  And Ellie felt that this made everything Ok in the world again.

Story time

So I have been super busy – but here is a belated story about thing to do in London wrapped up in a little tale.

I am so tired, too tired, I don’t know if I can go on – this is too much – it’s way too much to ask of one person – I don’t know how anyone could be expected to do this – especially someone in my condition.

I was out Christmas shopping with my best friend and I had heels on for goodness sake.  This girl was a masochist.  This girl was also my best friend.  But come on there were limits.  I had been out for 5 hours now.  One shop after another, after another – then back again and because it was so much fun the first time.

I like to order online – it’s pain free (well, until you get the credit card bill) and it’s devoid of horrible stinky changing rooms, the clothes they send you don’t normally have lipstick smears all down them and when you can’t fit into that size 10 no one but you and your mirror knows.

My friend had it all wrong.  But then she would never not fit into a size 10.

My eyes wondered back to the cake store.  This is why I sometimes didn’t fit into a size 10.

Jolie called my name.  Again.  Apparently she had been screaming my name for some time from the fitting room, needing a second opinion…..why I am not quite sure – it’s not like she bothers to listen to me.  She’ll buy what she wants anyway…..actually it might be nice if she just bought something – 5 hours of shopping and not one shopping bag between us – this was getting beyond pathetic.

When I called Jolie out on this she huffed and threw the dress she was going to put back onto the cashiers counter and glared at me as she handed over her gold card.

‘Happy now’ she snapped.

It was definitely time for cake.

I steered her towards the cake store, stomping and moaning.  Until she saw the window display ‘Oooooooooo…..can I have a lick of yours?’ to anyone else this would sound weird- to me it was usual.  Jolie was a model.  She was gorgeous.  She barely ate.  No one is perfect though ay.

So I sat their stuffing my face whilst she looked at my cream swirl with longing.

I smiled, pastry and cream everywhere.

‘Dawn, you are just gross.’ Laughed my best friend.  She always knew how to make me feel good about myself.

‘I’m done with shopping here, let’s go somewhere more fun.’

I rolled my eyes – I knew she meant more shopping and not to the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park – I had even tried to convince her all other tube lines were down and that was the only place we could get too, funnily she didn’t fall for it.

She didn’t like my suggestion of the southbank either.  It was followed by a noise and ‘People! Too many people.’ She didn’t care for the german market, the lovely hot chocolate or the roasted brazil nuts, couldn’t care less about the street performers, the only thing that had her swayed was the fairy lights but then she had plenty of those at home.

We tried the ice skating at the national history museum and that ended up with me twisting my ankle and almost calling a halt to the Christmas shopping expedition we were on today.  Jolie of course crashed into the most handsome man and ended up going out for drinks with him that night leaving me to suck on salted liquorice (who, why?) at the Finnish pop up market.

I tried in vain to get her to the London Chocolate Festival but yeah – you remember me saying she’s a model – that went down well.

Then I saw the sign of all signs – The Crick Crack Club’s Festival of Fairy Tales for Grown Ups.  Now how was I going to sell this to Jolie.  Fairy Tales and men rarely went hand in hand, I could say it was a story reading for grown ups but even I wouldn’t go to that and I was the book worm.  Maybe I could sell it on the crack club terms – well she is a model – they do drugs right?

I sighed.  I saw Jolie looking at some shoes.

Stroking some shoes.  A man’s hand.  Hey up this was a bit forward.  Then I saw it was Jimmy.  She could not stay away from this ars…..oh her ex boyfriend.  I had to keep my feelings about him to myself because every time there was a crisis and every time they split up I went to say what I felt but then two minutes later they were madly in love again.  He was a pig and I hated him.  My best friend deserved so much better but she saw something I didn’t – and not just him with no clothes on which thankfully I didn’t ever see, no I never had, no that time I barged into their room not knowing they were together has been erased from my memory, blocked out from the horror.  I saw nothing and that is the story I was sticking too, although maybe it gave me a hint as to why she kept going back to him – but that’s Jolie – rather fickle at times.

I sighed.  Then smiled, now I could go to this Crack Club by myself….oh, that bit didn’t sound so fun…..I quietly crept away.  I looked back at the cake shop.  One more wouldn’t hurt…………..

Throwback thursday

Story time again – a day late again – I am sooooo sorry!

Anyway based on the theme of past, and reminiscing – that’s sort of throwback now isn’t it – anyway – happy reading!

 

Don’t you sometimes wish that the responsibility for your own life could just be taken out of your hands.  That you could just curl up and sleep for a moment and when you open your eyes everything has been sorted out for you ready to just skip off into the sun set.

Even movies don’t work quite like that though do they.

Even movies have hic-cups.  Sometimes the whole damn movie is.

I don’t want to look on my life like that though.  I have no regrets and I will keep it that way.

I believe that things happen for a reason – that people come into your life for a reason – that you have a path sort of set out for you – you are free to fall off that path as often as you choose and you have some choice over which direction you fall off it but every now and then fate/life/nature will lay down the law and ping you back on track again.  If you keep ignoring the signals something drastic will happen to you to make you see – to make you change – or do something to get back on track.

The key to a successful life is probably learning to read those signals and not be so darn stubborn about things.

Funny isn’t it how I choose to ignore those signals yet at the same time I say I want something or someone to take control.

Even down to choosing what milkshake I should have – sometimes it is all too much.

Other times don’t you dare try to tell me what I should have or tell me what I should do.

Sometimes I think it’s when I know what I should do and am scared – it’s when I know that I want someone to make that decision for me so I don’t have to hate myself for it at any point – so if it goes wrong I won’t feel so mad at myself.  But if it’s meant to be then how can I hate myself for it going wrong as the thing that is meant to be will have happened.

If you see something beautiful every day does it stop being beautiful?

Do you forget what you have and take it for granted?
Then when it has all gone away all you are left with are your memories of what once was? The remnants of glitter on your hands.

I feel the urge to blow things up.

That will put the cat amongst the pigeons ay! That will start the ball rolling one way or another or will throw it so high it will knock me out on the way back down – but at least something would be happening.

Am I impatient or just never satisfied?
Do I know what I want or am I actually clueless and how do I find that out?
If I was to see my life through someone else’s eyes, what would I see?
Who would I see myself as?
It would be fun to find out, or interesting at the very least.

Who do you think you would be in someone else’s eyes? Would you like yourself more, or less? Would you cry or be happy, would you learn anything at all?
Would it give you an ego? And is that a bad thing?
For each question I will find you one more.

I feel hollow not heartbroken and I don’t know which is worse. I think I would rather feel the pain and know that I am still alive.

Sometimes something happens and my stomach flips – I miss those butterfly days.

I shout out my words and sometimes a hollow echo comes back, sometimes there is no sound at all.

Or is there sound but you just don’t hear it because the right person isn’t around?

Questions and questions with no answers in sight – or do I know the answer but am afraid to say it out loud?

Am I just having a wobble when really I shouldn’t be worrying at all.

Is this life as we all know it?
Are you saying this is nothing new or unique? It’s just the way it is?
Am I ungrateful or greedy or just honest? Do I deserve more? Do we all?
How do you know when you are truly happy, what do you compare it to? And isn’t happiness a build up of small moments, minute details rather than grand gestures?

I see the sun start to rise and temporarily my head goes numb, all around me the world seems to be lit up like a flame, the most amazing hues of orange and yellow and pink all dancing and swirling around themselves in natures amazing portraits – every few seconds the scene changes, the light gets paler, it turns more pink, the clouds get whiter until it’s just the daylight left and the embers of the sunrise have faded into the background once more.  It’s then I realise I should switch my head from the nonsense channel and back into sleep mode.

All of these questions will be there tomorrow, later on in the day, the next time I can’t sleep – my head swirling with a million and one questions about my life and what I should be doing and if I have made the right decision and if this is the way it should be done and if it even matters about whether or not I know the answers or whether anyone else does because after all isn’t life just one big adventure – we aren’t meant to know the outcome until the very end – it would jade our thinking and we know that what is meant to happen will happen and what will be will be – the right people will gravitate towards you and your life and good things will happen along with the bad – you will smile again no matter what and on that note it really is time to say farewell, goodnight and sweet dreams to you all.

Words of wisdom Wednesday

It’s story time again for you – a tea break tale or whatever you would like to call it, I hope you enjoy:

When you see a sunset do you think of the dying embers of a fire? Do you think of all the things you achieved that day or do you think about all the things you didn’t do? Do you see a sunset as final, depressing, an ending or does it fill you with joy?
I myself prefer sunsets, sunrises seem to imply something else, I can’t explain myself properly – there is something about a sunrise that seems seedy, you either can’t sleep or have been out too late, whereas a sunset is something to behold, to cherish, to make a point of seeking out and enjoying.

A sunset on a beach is one of the most beautiful things in the world to me and somewhere in the world this happens at the end of every day and it happens for free.

Those pure moments of magic, those pure moments of happiness, they are fleeting but they are often and it is those things that build up to make a happy time, or a happy life, or a happy episode.

It’s the little things in life. (How many male ego’s just soared about that one) but it’s true.  The little things touch your heart and make you smile the most.

Unless you are a bitch and then this story is probably not directed at you!

When someone is mega rich and they charter a helicopter to fly you to Paris for a meal (yeah happens all the time…..) but it’s like them spending £5, does is mean as much as the person that has 50 pence to spare but picks you a bunch of wild flowers, runs you a bubble bath and does the housework for you? NO, to me the person with the 50 pence wins hands down every time.  This is why I will never be living in a mansion.  And I am ok with this.

I think there are purer and truer things in life than money and yep hold the front page – money is essential but it’s not that important…..well yes pick me apart on that one – you need a roof over your head and food in your belly but as for trinkets and things – they might be nice but you don’t really need them now do you.  You can drown in your successes if you fall towards excess too much.  If you think that the trinkets and the fast cars are the important bits you are missing out on so much more.

When did you last take the time to notice a star filled night sky or to make a wish on a shooting star? To see a dandelion seed, catch it, make a wish and then let it fly away again? When did you last take a moment to notice the beautiful flower that has come out in bloom or to notice the cute little squirrel playing on the park fence?

When did you last stop and indulge in something you love – whether it be a big slice of cake or your favourite tv show – but to really indulge and not beat yourself up about the calorie count or worry about what you might be missing out on by taking a moment to invest in yourself and to slow down a little bit and to remove yourself from the rat race just for a moment or two.  That vital time of investing in yourself that we seem too quick to dismiss and not make time for or let other things leak in.  Change those ways and make it part of your routine – something as essential as eating and sleeping and breathing is.

Do you ever take the time to notice the sweet things that can happen right in front of your face or that little child that helps an old person pick something up that they have dropped.  The shy smile between two young lovers that are yet to admit their feelings, or the penny someone picked up to make a wish on, or the penny someone dropped so that someone else could feel lucky…………yes I did do that, I read it in a book and thought it was lovely so now and then when I have a moment or the mood takes me, or I feel that the world needs a bit more luck, I scatter my pennies! Deal with it.

Do you stop at all to think, to reflect, to notice that beauty that is all around you? Don’t ignore it – don’t forget it – happiness is not just a tiffany’s box you know!

Happiness is a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream shared with your best friend.

Happiness is that bass beat thumping through your chest when you see your favourite band live.

Happiness is being with your friends and someone produces teacups and a nice bottle of wine.

Happiness is finding £10 in your old coat that you were about to donate.

Happiness is reading a really good book, curled up on the sofa all snug and warm.

Happiness is being out in the woods with the sun trickling through the trees and hearing children playing outside, laughing.

Happiness is seeing your child in their first nativity play.

Happiness is laughing so hard that your tummy ahces.

Happiness is feeling the warm sun on your bare skin for the first time that year.

Happiness is the warm belly of a puppy dog.

Happiness is the smell of freshly baked bread.

Happiness is finding the other end of the rainbow.

Happiness is a kind word or a thoughtful deed from someone unexpected.

Happiness is being appreciated.

Happiness is a sunset marking the end of one day and biding its time for the next – each one a true gift – each one of them a fresh start if you so choose to let it be.

Let it be.

Happiness is everywhere, it is all around you, each and every day.   It doesn’t have to cost a penny; it is all there if you just let it be.

Treat day Tuesday

Well it’s a day late and it’s just a story based around christmas and treats.

I forgot to post it up yesterday!

Forgive me ;op

‘So what treats are in store for us today?” Michelle asked looking longingly at the hot chocolate advert on tv, full of log fires, snow, candy canes, everything a christmas should be, well including lots of presents and some gorgeous man in the kitchen cooking away in just his apron.

Lucy laughed.  She knew what was going through her friends mind, she had been single for 6 months – not that long really but for Michelle this was like eternity.

She would finally have to admit that her ex boyfriend had really meant something to her after all.  Michelle pretended to have the hide of a rhino but really, Lucy knew she was easily hurt, she just hid it well, or rather hid it at the bottom of a bottle and amongst the sheets of a randoms bed.

‘I can’t promise you a tussle under the Christmas tree, if you know what I mean but I can promise you a day filled with Christmassy delight.  We’ve got the fair to go to, then there is the fireworks in the evening and right now I thought we should go and try those new gingerbread men in the bakery down the road.’ Lucy waggled her eyebrows.  Michelle had been lusting over the baker for years, but only now was she single and able to do something about it.

Lucy heard nothing from  Michelle in response and stopped tying up her laces to check her friend was still breathing.

She was.  But very frantically and sobbing and water was coming out of her eyes.  ‘Oh crap’ thought Lucy, Michelle never cried, at least not with company, not even when really drunk.

Lucy ran over to her friend and gave her a bear hug, words weren’t needed, she knew that being single at Christmas was hard.

‘I broke the heel on my new boot!’ wailed Michelle.  So much for heart felt sentiments.  This girl could be bought with anything it would seem.  The only true heartache was not being able to afford the latest Louboutins.

So if Lucy could get the Baker to serve up a pair instead of his usual cakes then she was on to something.  With 5 minutes to arrange it was never going to happen.

Michelle and Lucy sighed together – both lost in their own little worlds.

Lucy snapped out of it and threw a spare pair of boots at her friend, knowing they wouldn’t be quite refined enough but not caring – there was a day of Christmassy things to do waiting for them – getting wasted – heels were not going to stop this from happening – if needs be she’d max out her credit card (even more) and treat her friend to some more boots.  She did a quick mental calculation of how much she had already been spending  on this months pay cheque and rethought her idea….maybe a pair of slippers from Peacocks would do instead ……her new year’s resolution really was going to have to be to get another job….or give up shop….nope she wouldn’t even allow herself to finish the thought.

‘Michelle COME ON!’ she grabbed her friends arm and pulled her away as fast as possible.

They ran out into the street giggling – they had decided to get the bus into town so they could have a drink….or ten as far as Lucy was concerned.

The smell that greeted them as the bus door opened had Lucy reaching for her purse.

‘Taxi…..my treat….’ And she ran off the bus with her arm out waving down each and every car until eventually a cab appeared with its light on.

‘Step on it.’ She yelled once they were both settled in the car.

‘to the shops…..’ she finished, not quite informatively.

The driver rolled his eyes and pulled away from the kurb.

In town they ran about from store to store, cooing and oooing over everything they could find, they stuck their hands in fake snow and pretended to lick the ice sculpture in the department store, with Michelle very nearly getting attached.

They ogled any man with a whiff of expense about him and finally collapsed with a hot chocolate and candy cane.

‘Who needs men when you have your friend, your ex’s store card and hot chocolate!’ without breaking her stride she then purred ‘Well hello!’

Lucy threw her head round and laughed.

She saw her friend flick her hair, adjust her bra all with a quick snap and the most dazzling smile came from her face, a beam of light encircling the said man who turned as though he could feel the beam.

Without saying anything Michelle pouted slightly and looked coyly down at the table.

Lucy had to give it to her friend – she could flirt like no other.

He smiled at the girl at the table – then noticed her friend.  He hesitated.  In that moment of hesitation something unsaid went between the two girls and the one with the dark hair stood up, laughing, grabbed at something on the table and ran.

Lucy had the store card and Michelle could have the man.

Both would be treated nicely.

Lucy pulled out her phone ‘Meet you back at my house at 9pm tonight for all the gossip.  Bring goodies – we will have lots to talk about.xx’

She got a text back 10 minutes later ‘see you tomorrow kiddo. When we will have even more to talk about….so far 9 out of 10.  Don’t wait up ;o)’

Lucy laughed.  She was just wondering what to do with herself when she spotted Mike – her loyal and lovely boyfriend.  In his hands he had a square box covered in shiny red paper.

‘For you my dear, a little pre Christmas treat’.  Lucy giggled, she looked at Mike, she thought about Michelle.  She leant forward and whispered in Mike’s ear.  His eyebrows went up, his smile broadened.  ‘Your wish is my command.’ He muttered taking Lucy’s hand and quickly hailing a cab and asking him to head to their home, promptly. It looked  like they were all going to be treated tonight.

Words and pictures

Story inspired by the picture:

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Sometimes you sit there, holding your cup of tea, looking outside, your eyes glaze over – you think you have been staring too long but really it’s the tears welling up – starting to sting your eyes, you think it’s because you haven’t blinked in a while and you change that and blink, not once, but twice.

You made the mistake because it’s only then, when the tears start to fall that you realise you were actually crying and that’s why you couldn’t see straight and that’s why your eyes hurt.

You feel stupid, ungrateful and you beat yourself up a moment.

You remind yourself of all the lovely people in your life, your family, your friends, your pets, you think about all the good that you do and how you try to help people and the fun things you do – then you break down sobbing all the more.  Now you feel guilty for not being grateful enough.

Give it a few moments and this feeling changes, and suddenly you think you hardly have anyone in your life, that no one really cares what happens to you, that you are forgotten about, not even looked down upon – just not looked at, at all.

You then feel a slight anger, a bitter voice from inside – screaming through your head that what do you expect, you’re ugly and not worth looking at anyway.

You try to make the voice die down – you feel your sobs subside but the tears are still coming, fast.  You try to tell that voice that you are ok really, you could be so much worse, that really you are just a little misunderstood.

Another voice pipes up that it is not you that is misunderstood it’s you don’t understand what is going on around you.  A voice, an echo of a loved one resonates around your ears, filtering through your head space.  It reminds you that you are not your opinion of yourself and that if you could see yourself through others eyes you would not be so cruel to yourself that you would actually get an ego….because this voice is nice it’s not as loud as the others and it quickly disappears through your right ear and gets lost in the ether.

The louder voice takes over.

‘No one likes you.  You are fat.  Your hair is a mess.  You are going nowhere.  People don’t care what you say.  Everyone wishes you would just go away.  They don’t forget you they just don’t care.’

You quickly try to reason with yourself – you’ve been told your mind works at a million miles an hour, connecting things that others aren’t even aware have been said.

You try to pull up evidence but you can’t.

You sit there numb.  The tears have stopped.  The well has run dry.  Your face stings, it tightens as the track marks of the tears slowly starts to dry.  The headache starts to creep around your brain.

You feel a nervousness in your heart and try to calm yourself.  A panic attack is not welcome here.

You look around you and feel even more alone.  You hear the world going on around you and what is just dumb conversation suddenly sounds so witty – just because you are not part of it – everyone that laughs is now laughing at you.  Every little whisper is about you.  You start to think that your colleagues talk about you behind your back, or even worse, just don’t notice you at all.  You convince yourself they hate you.  You find ‘evidence’ of it all around.  Then you start to mishear what is being said – more proof.

You leave the scene and head back home.  Your friends don’t respond to your texts straight away.  This is because they are driving home but to you – now – it’s because they don’t care – you picture them looking at their phones and rolling their eyes and convince yourself that they hate you too.  You struggle to find evidence at first but then you start to recall the times that plans were broken and you start to put two and two together – you don’t even come up with 5 you come up with 13, you are so way off the mark but your mind won’t let your heart have a voice.

You throw yourself in the bath – just to get away….have a moment to yourself – you then realise that it’s the last thing you need as the reasoning in your head gets more twisted and mean.

You wonder if your worst enemy is really yourself and that you know it’s depression, stress and social phobia doing the best at doing its worse.  But then you panic, you may be depressed, stressed and full of phobias but as Kurt Cobain once said ‘Just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean they’re not after you!’

You go to work convinced everyone hates you – you look at people different – you don’t realise it – you are probably being standoffish – you convince yourself everyone hates you more than you even thought – you think they are talking about you – you think they are ignoring you – it makes you unable to speak – you feel sick – you feel your heart go weird – you panic – you want to run but you can’t you have to stick around – you sit feeling alone – no one seems to notice – you start to think it would be best if you weren’t there – then someone says they are all going out – you have your head echo that you haven’t been invited – more proof that the world hates you – whilst you are thinking this – you miss the invite that is given to you, it is repeated, you don’t hear.  The next day it’s awkwardly repeated because now you have made people think that you don’t care – you take it to be that they don’t really want to ask you and have out of duty so you tell them you are busy.  On a good day you realise you can’t go because you have put too much pressure on yourself – you feel doomed whichever way you turn.  You hate it – what happened to the happy go lucky girl who would talk to anyone and everyone?

You go home and you beat yourself up.

Something about this feels familiar but you can’t make it go away.

You realise you are retracing your footsteps – the ones that send you on that merry dance – on that stupid merry go round that you want to get off but don’t know how.

One day you will fall good and hard – the fall is needed – you have to hit bottom – someone will be there to pick you up – but right now you don’t know that and just feel yourself being spun round and round, faster and faster and faster…….the world spinning, everything blurring, music getting louder, the spinning getting more violent and then you fall asleep.

 

Inspired by the picture

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‘Have you got the blanket Josie?’

‘Dur what do you think this is wrapped around my body!’

‘Well……I thought it was your usual weirdo dress sense!’

‘My hands are full but I can still get a kick to your shins you know!’

The girls giggled.

They had this way with them.  They could whine and moan at each other and pull each others legs like nothing else but it was always done with love, they didn’t care if no one else realised this – they knew and that was all that mattered.

It was all that had mattered until Jason had come along.  Penny had become smitten.  She wouldn’t even dare talk to him – boys were still sort of stinky but Penny would swoon and find any excuse to talk about him but would not admit to liking him and frankly Josie had, had enough.  Boys smelt funny and played stupid games, Josie thought they just got in the way and liked the life she had, there was no room for anyone else in her and Penny time.

The girls had been friends since Kindergarten and were now 11 years old.  They had racked up 8 years of friendship, by each others side as often as possible.  Josie had been there for Penny when her Dad had left home when she was 6 and Penny had been there for Josie when Frodo, her pet rabbit, and other best friend had died 3 years ago.

It was now a glorious Spring day.  The grass was dry and was slightly warm to the touch, the clouds were about but not so much that the sun wasn’t out most of the time.  They’d made a big jug of pink lemonade and had spread out some old blankets on the ground.  In their little pear tree they hung the sheet that Josie unravelled from her body around a tree and used old clothes pegs to secure it in place.  Penny fanned out the sheet to give them not just shelter from the sun but so they could shut out as much of the world as possible.  They had books to read and things to gossip about.  There was no time for interruption.

Penny laid down a little lantern, although it was far from dark she felt comfort from the warm candle glow.  She lit it carefully and moved it out of the way of Josie’s swinging feet.  They favoured lying on their stomachs and reading looking down but Josie always swung her feet about and had twice recently brought the whole canopy crashing down on their heads.  Penny nudged her friend to be careful and gave her best Miss Trunchbull look.

They giggled and gossiped the day away, pausing to watch some birds play – they went indoors only for sandwiches and toilet breaks.  Penny’s Mom left them to it – she almost felt envious of what they had – she would love to spend the day hiding in her little blanket fort with her best friend.  She sighed, smiled and carried on doing the drying up.

Harry, the next door neighbour peeped over the garden fence. He watched with caution.  He was in love with Josie.  She didn’t even know he existed.  Other than to call him a little rat.  You will learn why.

As the afternoon wore on and the girls got engrossed in telling each other stories, Harry tiptoed through his house and out through the side gate.  He padded barefoot across the tiny bit of gravel that took him round to Penny’s driveway.  He crept along the side of the house and waited.  Seeing the girls deep in conversation he quickly made his move.

Josie was the first to scream and jump to her feet, dripping wet.  Harry had filled his Mother’s washing up bowl with cold water and thrown it over the girls.

‘You dirty little rat, just you wait until I catch up…….’ And she tore off round the garden chasing Harry calling him every name under the sun.

Penny sat still, looking at her arms that were soaking wet, she watched them go from red to white and then little goosebumps appeared.

She then froze.  Jason was stood at the end of the driveway, staring at the scene in front of him.

There was Harry and Josie running around the garden screaming like little children, covered in water.

And there was Penny sat there also covered in water, half drowned by Harry, she knew it had hit her hair making it hang limp and greasy around her head.  She quickly jumped up and grabbed her sun hat, threw it on her head and in her desperation to get away from what she now considered a childish scene she headed straight over towards Jason before her nerves could get the better of her.

‘Hi’ she said breathing hard.

‘Hey’ Jason nodded back at her.  Penny blushed even harder than she already was thinking to herself that he was just so grown up and cool.

She saw Jason flick a look over to Harry and Josie and frown.

‘Oh haha um they aren’t with me, um, I’m…..they’re not my friends I, um……I’ve come over to see um yeah…….’

She felt hands push in her back…hard!

‘Not my friend?’ she could hear Josie’s voice – her voice reedy thin from being said through gritted teeth.

Penny turned, her eyes half shut in fear.

‘NOT YOUR FRIEND?’ Josie’s voice was getting dangerously high and verrrrry loud.

‘I um…..I….’ Penny stuttered in panic, her eyes darting from Josie to Jason and back again. She gulped.  There was no denying it – everyone had heard – she had denied knowledge of her closest friend because she was embarrassed by her.  The thought made Penny sick.  It so wasn’t true – she was just wanting Jason to think that she was grown up and not immature.  Penny struggled to think of something to say.

Josie filled the silence.  Her look to Penny spoke a thousand words, words full of hurt, out of her mouth came ‘I’m going.  You, Penny, well you can just go to hell…..do not call me later, and as for walking to school together tomorrow, go make friends with your shadow!’

She gave one last withering look at Penny and walked away.  Penny’s heart sank.  She looked up to speak to Jason and saw him looking at her coldly, he turned his head to watch the retreating figure of Josie go down the driveway.

‘Hey Josie…..wait up….’

And with those 4 words the rest of Penny’s world came crashing down around her.  Josie was gone, Jason was gone……….but not only that…..they were gone……together.

Penny’s mom was stood on the doorstep.

‘Go in…………in fact………go to your room….take a look at all the picture in there of you and Josie………..take a look at all the things she has given you……….and you have a good long think about what you have just done……….then I suggest you go to bed and pray that tomorrow you haven’t just let a man…hmmm….BOY….. come between you and your best friend………….did you learn nothing from my life!’

The morals are clear to see.

Never undervalue a friendship.

Treat Tuesday

I saw this picture:

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It’s pretty much how I would love to decorate the log cabin I don’t yet have.  It made me feel all snug and warm and wintery which in turn made me feel really christmassy.

I know Christmas can be a really hard time for some people – but it shouldn’t be about the commericialism or anyone feeling lonely – it should be about good will and cheer!

Say hello to people – dare to smile – if you know someone is lonely – pop round with a mince pie for them.  Surround yourself with your loved ones – if you don’t have the money to buy them gifts then make something for them, or write them something lovely, do some chores for them – there is always something meaningful that can be done!

So my message today for Treat Tuesday is to treat someone else for a change ;o)

I also wrote a little story inspired by the picture above – I write for children but hey, I think everyone should keep in touch with their inner Peter Pan complex.

It was the night before Christmas, there wasn’t a sound in the house – the only movement was that out of the corner of your eye of the treelights flickering on and then off again – casting a soft candle like glow around the room, little halo’s of light surrounding the bulbs.  There were some embers in the grate, not doing justice to the magnificent fire that had been roaring in the fireplace moments earlier.  The dancing flames now lying low about to gasp their last breath of oxygen before giving up.  Warmth could still be felt around the house, the wooden floor not yet cold, but the draft was snaking in from under the doors, creeping around the ankles of small children unable to sleep.  The promise of Santa coming was too great.  He’d been a good boy all year, well, give or take the odd moment of throwing his toys, hitting his little sister, but overall Benji felt he had done more than enough to justify a visit from Santa.  And now that he was 5 years old he felt he was old enough to meet Santa too, so he could say thank you for his presents properly.   He’d even told Arlo, his sister, that he was going to meet Santa.  She was 3, and he’d been quite thankful that she’d not been able to stay awake a moment longer than when her head hit the pillow.  He had to wait 5 years to meet Santa, there was no way Arlo was going to meet him so soon.  Benji waited…..and waited.  He felt pain in his chest and started to panic, then he realised he was holding his breath.  He blew out his cheeks with a giggle, quickly clamping his hand over his mouth in case his Father was to hear.  He paused, but there was no sound.  The fire gave one last crack and the orange was no more.  Benji looked around and saw his blanky on the sofa, he picked it up and wrapped it around his shoulders and pulled his feet in close to his body to keep warm.  He waited and then he waited some more.  He crept over to the Christmas tree, careful not to disturb anything; he pulled the plug on the lights.   He didn’t want Santa thinking anyone was awake. He huddled back into himself and waited.  He tried not to stare at the chimney as he remembered his mom saying something about pots and watching and things not happening but he couldn’t help but to peep now and then; but all seemed still.  He counted to ten.  Then twenty.  Then he started again as he wasn’t sure how to go past his fingers and toes.  He did this 3 more times and then he got bored.  He picked himself up off the floor and walked to the back door. He peered out of the glass window, he squinted, he jumped at the sight of a boy – but realised it was just his face looking back at him, screwed up in concentration.  He thought he could see footprints in the snow laid out on the back garden but he couldn’t be sure.  He slowly tried the door handle but the door was locked.  He tried to peep through the keyhole but he could see nothing but darkness stretching out before him.  He didn’t like the dark so he crept back into the lounge and put the fairy lights on again.  With a sigh he curled up on the sofa.  Where was Santa!!!

He woke up with a jump and quickly looked around.  How long had he been asleep? It was still dark, did that mean it was still night time? He saw something sparkle and rubbing his sleep filled eyes he saw it was a ribbon.  A ribbon attached to a bright shiny parcel.  His heart soared and he scrabbled over to see if it was for him.  It was!!! He jumped up and down and span round.  Just as it was dawning on Benji that this must mean he’d missed Santa after all he saw a pair of brown boots.  He stared at the boots for a moment, he didn’t remember his Dad having any like those.  He let his eyes move slowly upwards and saw big gold shiny buckles at the top of the boots, he let his eyes wonder a little further and he saw white fur.  He could hold the excitement in no more.  He exploded from his spot with all the energy he had.  ‘SANTA!’ he called and threw his arms around the legs in front of him.  Santa was tall, he could reach no further up him.  He looked up and saw a giant red clothed belly bobbing up and down with a ‘Ho Ho Ho!’ Followed by ‘Little boys should be tucked up in bed by now…..especially little boys called Benji.’  For a moment Benji froze, scared, but he felt the belly still moving with a ‘Ho Ho Ho!’

‘Now young man, I have lots to do, so let me help you up to your room then I’ll be back if you promise to go to sleep.’ Santa said with a wink.

Benji just nodded in awe, too happy and slightly worried the little shiny parcel on the floor would be all he would be getting.  He went to swipe it up, just in case, but he felt his feet leaving the ground, up and up he went until he was eye level with a huge fluffy beard.  On instinct, without a thought Benji tugged, gently.  The beard did not move.  He let himself be carried up the stairs and put to bed.  Santa stroked Benji’s head.  ‘Happy Christmas young Benji…now go to sleep.’

‘How do you know my name?’

‘I know all the children Benji.  Now keep quiet so you don’t wake Arlo.’ and with a sprinkle of glitter Santa was gone and Benji was counting sheep.

Hours later Benji awoke to hear his family downstairs, he ran down and saw the little parcel plus many, many more.  In the distance he could hear ‘Ho Ho Ho.’

‘Mom, Dad…..you’ll never guess what happened to me last night………’

And we leave them there.   Sat around a now roaring fire, treelights still sparkling away, and one happy family full of love, good cheer and a few too many Christmas sweets, and one little boy telling the tale of when he met Santa…………