I have no recollection of writing most of this…….I love how I do that!

It’s cold out there – it’s been cold for years – but you turned up and you were like a security blanket that I didn’t even know I needed.

It was a touchless embrace.  It was just there – suddenly it was the comfort I had been needing – there were no words – there was no sound – just this feeling, a sense, a need.

Innocent perfection.  But there is no perfection so how can that be so?  It was a stolen moment that felt so right it’s the nearest to perfection that I can think of but there is no word for that but to describe it in such a way doesn’t sound as great as that moment was – it just sounds like the ramble this is.  It needed to be purer than that.

It was beyond charm or innocence.

There was nothing to it but there was everything within its seams.

So much there if it was bothered to be searched for.

It’s easy to speak, to smile to say things without meaning – but what about meaning it – laying yourself out to be vulnerable.

It’s good to take a chance and see who catches you.

You will be surprised who does and who lets you fall.

You will be surprised by why some people let you fall but you shouldn’t concern yourself with them.  Good people won’t let you fall – no matter what.

Friendship is better than nothing? What a stupid thing to say – friendship is everything – it’s the best compliment, the biggest thing in life, it will get you through the most and make you learn the most, and will make you smile and laugh.  Don’t define the lines that it comes in – just accept it – treasure it – nurture it.  Don’t ruin it.  Don’t let anything get in the way.

Those walls will only stop you – they will only damage you.  You build a wall around yourself to protect you but the heart has wings and will soar away and then it will be you left alone in your empty brick box.

Don’t define the lines.

Lines mean nothing.  They are someone else’s opinion.

And what do they know?

I am not someone else’s to draw lines on me.  It is not for someone else to try to tell me who I am.  I am not that sort of person – you can’t box me up – you should never try – if you do then you have lost and I will slowly fade away.  I will be free outside of the lines you are drawing around yourself.

I’ll be the butterfly dancing outside of the windows of your soul – the one that you sealed up and now you want to escape but you forgot how to get the windows open.

Terrible.

It must be like drowning and looking up to see the heart break on your loved ones face and realising that you only let yourself drown because you didn’t think they loved you anymore.

Lost.

Wasted.

Opportunities flowing through your fingers like tiny grains of sand, but there is no glass of an egg timer catching these grains so you can turn it over and start again – once these grains hit the floor they are gone – done – over.

Don’t ever let things be over.

Life should be a series of loose ends, you don’t know when you might need to pick one up again – or when you need to join some together.

Life isn’t meant to work out how you think you want it to – it will work out how it needs to.  How you need it to – whether you know this or not.  If you don’t get what you want exactly how you want it – it is because there is a bigger purpose for it.

I’ve seen people throw away the best friend they never had – just because they weren’t open to seeing things outside of the lines.

Find a picture and colour it in, go outside the lines – how do you feel? Out of control and stupid? Like you did something wrong? Those are forced lessons from a youth that has no place in your adult world.

Who gets ahead in life? Those that play it safe or those that think outside the box, the ones that go outside the lines, the ones that take a chance, the ones that don’t sulk but open their arms to the opportunities and don’t shut things down and turn things off, that put a covering over their heart and pull down the shutters and wonder why no one calls anymore.  Wonder why people only get so far.  It’s not worth the risk. Life is too short for those sorts of chances.  We need to feel and if you have too much around you – no one can sense your energy and you will be left withering away by yourself –growing more and more bitter as you go from ripe, to over ripe to some shrivelled up former version of yourself.

Value the friendships and know that we all started as strangers.  Think of that next time you push someone away and don’t give them the time of day.

Remember that next time you bite someone’s head off.

Remember that no matter what, people care for you – that you might not know who, or how or why – but they do and don’t go trying to change that – just because it doesn’t fit the picture you created in your head.

The picture in your head is just make believe, it’s not real life.

But here’s the thing – sometimes life is better than your fantasy – but you’ll only know if you stay open long enough to find out.

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Random Ramblings

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I often wish this were true.  Friendships are so important and so vital – as you get older I think your social groups gets smaller but better, you know what you want and who you want to spend time with and I think you get less tolerant to some of the things you were prepared to put up with when you were younger.  I see many people neglect their friends and it always baffles me.  I cherish my friendships – each and every one of them – I am so grateful for these people and hope I am a good friend to them in return.  2014 is goign to be all about doing the things I love with the people I love.

 

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I recently stumbled across this quote and I think it is beautiful.  Joanne Harris wrote the book Chocolat – this is from her book the girl with no shadow, which I am yet to read but which is now in my possession.  I love the ‘….thoughts that wonder off the edge of the world.’ I am totally adopting that to explain my way of thinking.

 

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People try too hard sometimes and forget to just enjoy themselves.  I truely believe you meet people in weird and wonderful ways – the right people just come into your life – life has a funny way of working out like that and working out just what you need even before you have worked it out for yourself.  Don’t dismiss these ‘chance’ meetings – for I really don’t believe in that – I think that you meet people for a reason – that you both have something to bring to each others lives.

 

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And this is here to remind me to start writing properly again – lately I have not had the time – what with working full time and studying two courses but I am determined to manage my time even better this year.  Onwards and upwards and hopefully my award winning manuscript will get written and make me rich!

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And this is the first thing I will buy when I become rich.  OK, maybe not – this is just something I really want – I don’t need but hey!

 

Hope you are all having a really lovely 2014 so far!

Normally blogging will resume soon ;o)

Words of Wisdom Wednesday is all about friendship

There is always a first meeting, a first glance, a first word.  We are all strangers at one point or another.  Even the couple that seem to be having the biggest love affair in the history of mankind were strangers once.

When you don’t know someone they can be anything.  You might get lucky in what is quite an uncommunicative world and you will get to say something to them.  You might find they have something to say back to you and over time you start to have little conversations.

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You make each other laugh.  You get on, you get each other.

And that’s all that matters really.  Nothing else needs to be analysed.  If you get on and make each other laugh then that in time will grow from acquaintance to friendship.

And now isn’t that something that is underrated in this day and age.  A true and proper friendship – built the old fashioned way.  There is nothing more valuable on the face of this earth than a friend.  Friendship is where everything begins. 

With true friendship you have someone to turn to, someone to give you support.  It gives you someone to be a shoulder too and there is nothing quite like being wanted.

You get to know each other in ways that outsiders just don’t stand a chance.  Just a quick look can have you both laughing without being able to explain to others why.

When you respond that all is fine – only they will know if this is really the case, they will understand the importance of a ‘Nothing’ reply.

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They might not know your favourite colour but they will know what colours work best on you and they won’t be afraid to tell you so.  They will handle your strops and your down times but they won’t let you wallow and you will no longer need to.  For having a friend means you never have to be alone again.  You will have someone there, even when you don’t see them.  You will sense them, feel their support.  You will have things happen when you are on your own that you will rush to tell them about.

Other relationships come and go in life but a friendship built up over time with the right ingredients will stand the test of time and will never reach its sell by date.

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You should never under value this.

People come into your life for a reason.

Sometimes it is for you to teach them something and sometimes it is for them to teach you.  Sometimes they are here for 5 minutes, sometimes they are here for the rest of your days.  Either way never make the mistake of thinking that your paths have just crossed.  There is a reason.

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Some people you are not meant to be friends with but you will know that very early on.  They won’t make you laugh – they will make you feel nervous.

If someone makes you laugh – you have to treasure them as though they were gold or some precious stone.  They are worth more than all the money in the world.

If you in turn can make this persons face light up then you have done one of the greatest things a human can do.  Shared laughter (when real) is one of the most intimate things a human can do – think about it – when it’s proper uncontrollable laughter aren’t you totally vulnerable but you feel comfortable with who you are with so you don’t even think about that.

It’s like the first day of summer when you finally feel the suns rays reach out and wrap all around you and gently kiss your face.

Today’s world doesn’t always value friendship enough – it’s been blended down to mean just a figure on a social media site.  But some of us still remember the true meaning of the word.

Some of us know the beauty that is friendship and we will nurture it forever.

The joke is that once you have me in your life you never be alone again.

I let in few people but when I do I am there.  Always.

You should never underestimate such a promise.

I don’t lie easily. I say some bad things about myself but I do know I am a good friend.  If I refer to you as a friend then you should treat that as though I gave you my very best crown.  One you should wear with pride, as I will be proud to see you in it.

And that’s what friendship should be.

A shared rejoicing.  You don’t always have to look your best or feel your best, they take the rough with the smooth and that is like the best comfort blanket you will never be able to buy anywhere.

Inspired by the picture

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‘Have you got the blanket Josie?’

‘Dur what do you think this is wrapped around my body!’

‘Well……I thought it was your usual weirdo dress sense!’

‘My hands are full but I can still get a kick to your shins you know!’

The girls giggled.

They had this way with them.  They could whine and moan at each other and pull each others legs like nothing else but it was always done with love, they didn’t care if no one else realised this – they knew and that was all that mattered.

It was all that had mattered until Jason had come along.  Penny had become smitten.  She wouldn’t even dare talk to him – boys were still sort of stinky but Penny would swoon and find any excuse to talk about him but would not admit to liking him and frankly Josie had, had enough.  Boys smelt funny and played stupid games, Josie thought they just got in the way and liked the life she had, there was no room for anyone else in her and Penny time.

The girls had been friends since Kindergarten and were now 11 years old.  They had racked up 8 years of friendship, by each others side as often as possible.  Josie had been there for Penny when her Dad had left home when she was 6 and Penny had been there for Josie when Frodo, her pet rabbit, and other best friend had died 3 years ago.

It was now a glorious Spring day.  The grass was dry and was slightly warm to the touch, the clouds were about but not so much that the sun wasn’t out most of the time.  They’d made a big jug of pink lemonade and had spread out some old blankets on the ground.  In their little pear tree they hung the sheet that Josie unravelled from her body around a tree and used old clothes pegs to secure it in place.  Penny fanned out the sheet to give them not just shelter from the sun but so they could shut out as much of the world as possible.  They had books to read and things to gossip about.  There was no time for interruption.

Penny laid down a little lantern, although it was far from dark she felt comfort from the warm candle glow.  She lit it carefully and moved it out of the way of Josie’s swinging feet.  They favoured lying on their stomachs and reading looking down but Josie always swung her feet about and had twice recently brought the whole canopy crashing down on their heads.  Penny nudged her friend to be careful and gave her best Miss Trunchbull look.

They giggled and gossiped the day away, pausing to watch some birds play – they went indoors only for sandwiches and toilet breaks.  Penny’s Mom left them to it – she almost felt envious of what they had – she would love to spend the day hiding in her little blanket fort with her best friend.  She sighed, smiled and carried on doing the drying up.

Harry, the next door neighbour peeped over the garden fence. He watched with caution.  He was in love with Josie.  She didn’t even know he existed.  Other than to call him a little rat.  You will learn why.

As the afternoon wore on and the girls got engrossed in telling each other stories, Harry tiptoed through his house and out through the side gate.  He padded barefoot across the tiny bit of gravel that took him round to Penny’s driveway.  He crept along the side of the house and waited.  Seeing the girls deep in conversation he quickly made his move.

Josie was the first to scream and jump to her feet, dripping wet.  Harry had filled his Mother’s washing up bowl with cold water and thrown it over the girls.

‘You dirty little rat, just you wait until I catch up…….’ And she tore off round the garden chasing Harry calling him every name under the sun.

Penny sat still, looking at her arms that were soaking wet, she watched them go from red to white and then little goosebumps appeared.

She then froze.  Jason was stood at the end of the driveway, staring at the scene in front of him.

There was Harry and Josie running around the garden screaming like little children, covered in water.

And there was Penny sat there also covered in water, half drowned by Harry, she knew it had hit her hair making it hang limp and greasy around her head.  She quickly jumped up and grabbed her sun hat, threw it on her head and in her desperation to get away from what she now considered a childish scene she headed straight over towards Jason before her nerves could get the better of her.

‘Hi’ she said breathing hard.

‘Hey’ Jason nodded back at her.  Penny blushed even harder than she already was thinking to herself that he was just so grown up and cool.

She saw Jason flick a look over to Harry and Josie and frown.

‘Oh haha um they aren’t with me, um, I’m…..they’re not my friends I, um……I’ve come over to see um yeah…….’

She felt hands push in her back…hard!

‘Not my friend?’ she could hear Josie’s voice – her voice reedy thin from being said through gritted teeth.

Penny turned, her eyes half shut in fear.

‘NOT YOUR FRIEND?’ Josie’s voice was getting dangerously high and verrrrry loud.

‘I um…..I….’ Penny stuttered in panic, her eyes darting from Josie to Jason and back again. She gulped.  There was no denying it – everyone had heard – she had denied knowledge of her closest friend because she was embarrassed by her.  The thought made Penny sick.  It so wasn’t true – she was just wanting Jason to think that she was grown up and not immature.  Penny struggled to think of something to say.

Josie filled the silence.  Her look to Penny spoke a thousand words, words full of hurt, out of her mouth came ‘I’m going.  You, Penny, well you can just go to hell…..do not call me later, and as for walking to school together tomorrow, go make friends with your shadow!’

She gave one last withering look at Penny and walked away.  Penny’s heart sank.  She looked up to speak to Jason and saw him looking at her coldly, he turned his head to watch the retreating figure of Josie go down the driveway.

‘Hey Josie…..wait up….’

And with those 4 words the rest of Penny’s world came crashing down around her.  Josie was gone, Jason was gone……….but not only that…..they were gone……together.

Penny’s mom was stood on the doorstep.

‘Go in…………in fact………go to your room….take a look at all the picture in there of you and Josie………..take a look at all the things she has given you……….and you have a good long think about what you have just done……….then I suggest you go to bed and pray that tomorrow you haven’t just let a man…hmmm….BOY….. come between you and your best friend………….did you learn nothing from my life!’

The morals are clear to see.

Never undervalue a friendship.

Wisdom…..

Words of wisdom Wednesday is going to be all about me….and you ;o)

As you know I finally went to the doctors – I then had to do the most excruciating hour long telephone type interview with a nurse.  I say excruciating as for me – talking about my feelings is not something I am used to doing – by nature I am a ‘fixer upper’ I help other people.  I want to fix things for other people.  I am the ’go to’ if you have a problem or have something you need to talk about.  I’ve been told many times that, by nature, I seem to get people to say things or more than they ever intended to do.  Thankfully I have no clue how I do this – so it is something I can never manipulate.

I did have a teacher stop me once to ask me who was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on and I was like well my friends and family and she questioned this as she said that I never seemed to let people know that anything was wrong.

Years later her words came back to……haunt me is too strong a phrase but her words sure came back to me.

When I went through my years of illness I realised I didn’t know how to start to talk about myself.  I mean you can talk about yourself on a superficial level quite easily of course.  Like what I have been up to or what I have been eating blah blah.  But to actually really open up about my feelings – I’ve never really done that.

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When I knew I was getting ill I panicked a bit.  I had not long moved back to London – I was still finding my feet in my new town, new job, rebuilding friendships and trying to make new ones; when suddenly things were not right.  My health was deteriorating rapidly – the doctors didn’t have a clue.  I felt more lost than I’ve ever felt in my life.

7 years ago – just before Christmas – one doctor sat me down and said that I had to prepare for the worst that they thought it was going to be cancer and they thought I should start to get used to the news.

This was rubbish.  I did announce to the doctor that they should never do that – if I have it then tell me and I can deal with it – don’t suggest something like that – especially before Christmas.  I kept this to myself for a few days – I made up my mind not to even mention it to my family – I mean it was Christmas!  At my works party I told a friend and she gave me a hug and we had a mini ‘Oh my god’ and we both shed some tears.

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Then I sort of buttoned up again.  I can’t even remember now how often I was at the doctors but it felt pretty much like once a week – I felt like I was moving in.  I didn’t know what was going on.  During this time I was made redundant, it was a government funded job so I knew this time was coming as the whole thing was only meant to last 4 years – we managed to get 6 out of them – anyway I managed to find another job before my job ended and moved on.  I was becoming so sick it was untrue.  I was too weak to even walk from my bedroom to the bathroom sometimes.  Twice I collapsed outside my bedroom door – too weak to get up – no one was home.  They were times of absolute panic and there is nothing like that to make you feel so alone.  I have since been told there were at least 8 occasions during this time when I should’ve called an ambulance as an emergency, but to be honest at the time I was so not thinking straight and not sure what was going on and not thinking it was bad enough for some reason.

The last time I collapsed outside my bedroom door – as soon as I could get up again I phoned my Mom and I cried.  That was when she knew something was really wrong as she said I was a tough one and never cried.  This has since changed.  I weep easily.  I think this is to do with how this illness totally fucked up my hormones.  But anyway……nothing wrong with crying ay!

Still the trips to the doctors – still tests – still the shrugs, trying to hold down a job.  Not being supported, getting sicker and sicker.  I couldn’t go out and I couldn’t explain why.  Friends seemed to disappear.  And that was when the words of my teacher came back to me and I thought wow yup she’s right – when I really needed someone where were they? When it was me that needed the shoulder for once instead of being the shoulder – where were they?  Many were nowhere to be found.  I cannot begin to tell you how much that hurt.  It also made me truly treasure the people that did stick around.

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Then suddenly I seemed to feel a lot better – things were still not OK not by a long shot but I had a bit of energy back.

Roll on about 6 weeks – and I was a few weeks into a new relationship, when bam – shit got real.  I had a major relapse; right in the middle of Camden with my Mom and new boyfriend.  They huddled me into a pub and we sat down and had a very honest conversation.  I was too weak to be going anywhere – but me being me I still couldn’t be totally honest.  So we stayed in the pub.  My Mom and my new boyfriend broke the ice with each other and for their first encounter got to spend about 7 hours drinking with each other! This makes me smile as my boyfriend is from Newcastle! My mom is not a big drinker but boy did she hold her own that day/night!  Anyway – after that we knew I had to really start kicking off with the health service.  About one month after that I was getting tests that were quite horrid, but very necessary.  Within less than 6 months of this new relationship – I had been tested lots and had been given a diagnosis and was awaiting an operation – in the meantime we were both ushered into a room and spoken to about whether we wanted children.  AWKWARD!

Anyway – I don’t want to dwell too much on the nitty gritty and nastiness of all of that – I don’t think I will ever be able to put into words the pain, the loss, the hurt, the scared emotions, the reckless emotions, the downright panic that I lived with for some years.  I had been trying to get this sorted for about 2 years by the time my first operation came about.  I went for my check-up – the nurse hit the roof that no one had checked me for anaemia.  She had watched me try to walk up the stairs – it was comical – I had to rest after 3 steps.  She said the iron reading was lower than she’d seen on anyone still walking – as I pointed out – I barely was…..and friends wondered why I hadn’t been going out!  It then transpired that I was at major risk of a heart attack due to the pressure being put on my heart.  So that would explain the heart pain and flutters and all the problems I still have!?!

The first operation was unsuccessful – in fact – the surgeon made it worse.  They said I was going to have to wait 6 months as they didn’t want to operate again so soon.  He also said he wouldn’t operate unless I had a course of injections that put me through a fake menopause.  I hit the roof – no way to put it politely – but the NHS being a bit money strapped and me not able to afford to go private it turned out I had no choice.  I was getting sicker and sicker.  It was getting harder to hold a job down.  My boss at the time was being really unsupportive.  I went in for the second operation.  There is no other way to put this other than the doctor botched this; they had to cut through my stomach and do a repair job.  But he said that things were ok!  This operation had been a success, but I had to stay overnight for observation.  They kept waking me up to take my stats all night and one time everything dropped so low they called the emergency team in but I pulled round ok without any help – see forever independent.  Obviously they were worried about the damage done as the one surgeon phoned me at home every day for about a week.

All the while pressure was being put on me by my boss, so I quit my job!

Yeah that’s not scary; penniless and in recovery.  Oh well, take yourself out of your comfort zone and sometimes things happen.

I moved out of the flat share I had as I couldn’t manage the hills around the area (especially with all the stiches) and moved in with my boyfriend.  One of the people I was living with went nuts on me for moving.  Sadly we no longer talk.  And I don’t mean that sarcastically – I do feel sad that she couldn’t understand and I didn’t maybe explain well enough but there you go – another life lesson.

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I know people say that those that are meant to stick around do but it doesn’t make it easy for some of the people I no longer see.

Now this is not entirely their fault and I will get to that – the damn phobias!!! The doubt I had about them mixed in made it impossible for me to walk into a pub alone and go and meet them for food.  I just couldn’t do it. It was like cement was round my ankles and the heart palpitations – now that just plain was hurting.

Anyway – I found another job – new job, new start…….or so I thought……..

About a month after this second operation I knew things were not ok.  I went to my doctor and we had the biggest heart to heart.  Two doctors at my surgery were/are amazing.  They have been such an amazing help and really seem to care about what I was going through.  One suggested counselling as she said that all I had been through was emotionally huge and having, by this time, spent about 4 years being ill and having heart trouble and all the rest of it – she knew that psychologically that can be a real….for want of a better phrase…head fuck.

We knew another operation was essential.  I threw a bit of a strop about going back to this surgeon and she put her job on the line and got me sent to another hospital!  Hoorah.

Third time lucky! Although this was not without its complications!  I basically started to die on the operating theatre.  I woke up way too aware of where I was and looked down and I was covered in bruises, I had 3 drips in me, and little sponge things stuck all over me.  Apparently I freaked out when I came round and they injected a load of morphine into me.  Not that I could tell.  I woke up in PAIN.  One vein in my arm was going black quite rapidly.  The nurse came over and I asked what all the wires and puncture marks in me where and she said not to worry it was what they did in an emergency but all was good now and shot me full of more morphine.

So this was a couple of years ago.  I am so much better physically than I was.  I still get a lot of pain – it’s almost constant but in a way that I can deal with it – I still have some tumours you see, anyway – the heart thing is still a problem but shouldn’t be life threatening it is just very painful at times.  It occurs weekly I think.  I try not to keep track as I don’t want to obsess about anything like that.

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It’s mentally where the problems are more apparent now.  I’ve never felt good about myself and I’ve always been a bit shy but this is where all the social phobias have come from.  It’s even harder for me to feel good about myself.

It’s so difficult to do the easiest of things.

To walk into a room of people.

To talk on the phone.

To not beat yourself up during a conversation fearful that you are no good.

To not look in the mirror and grimace each time.

To beat yourself up for being useless, for going nowhere, for doing nothing, for being no good, for being friendless, for being boring, for being ugly, for being fat, for being in social situations that set off my phobias which in turn kicks off the heart trouble…..the list goes on and on but I am sure you get the idea.  This thing changed who I was, I am not as carefree….it gives you so many doubts that I think only another person who has been through it could really get it I suppose.

And this is the thing – I am not digging for compliments.  I am not putting it on.  You can’t just snap out of a phobia.  It’s not a question of pulling myself together.  IF you think that you don’t have a clue about phobias.  JUST GETTING OUT OF MY FRONT DOOR EVERY DAY IS A BIGGER STRUGGLE THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.

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I hide it well still – apparently – and again I think sometimes that can be my downfall but I am who I am – some things are just personality; the basic make up that is me.

But the big thing is here is that I finally spoke out – I am telling you all this to try to help you see that you don’t always know what goes on behind closed doors, you never really know what anyone is going through, you shouldn’t judge as someone could be going through a world of shit or be having the worst day ever.  You should never just give up!

The thing that breaks my heart about this the most is that I used to just talk to everyone and anyone.  I was abit more choosey than Paris Hilton about what I went out to but only just.  Hopefully someday soon I can find a happy medium between that and what I am like today.

So – wisdom – use it – don’t be so quick to judge – you don’t know someone’s story – instead maybe try to be sympathetic, be kind, be patient, be understanding – not only will it make you a better human bean and the world sure needs more of them but you could really help this person in ways you didn’t know.

The other moral to this is – I went through too much – nothing like what some people go through but it was too much without me speaking out – I suffered for too long out of fear – I’ve half crippled my life because of this – the opportunities that have passed me by – the life I could’ve been living……….but instead of crying over what can’t be changed I have now taken the steps needed to get better, to start to tackle these things.  I have a long way to go and a hard road to travel but who said life was easy and nothing worth having is that easy to come by.

This week I have to go to a workshop to do with all of the phobias.   I will report back if anyone is interested.  I will be fearful going into that room but I WILL do it.

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So to any of you out there suffering – and there are many – please seek help – or at least talk to a friend.

The other words of wisdom I can give you is to cherish the true friends you find in life.  Don’t waste time with hangers on or people that aren’t really there for you – really cherish the true friends – there won’t be many of them in life – not real true friends but make sure you look after the one’s that do come along.  And be that true friend for someone else.

Life is for living and the experiences are for sharing.

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Words of wisdom Wednesday

‘Be kinder than is necessary.’

It seems like a good place to start for today’s (hopefully) uplifting message.  It’s ties in the book reviews of this week and is something I feel we could all do a little more and would all be happy to receive.

It’s very noticeable in London, and I think in some ways is a sign of the times, people are in such a rush, they have no time for anything or anyone, and just seem more angry…more aggressive.  I did wonder if this was just me getting older and losing my patience or tolerance for people but  I think overall the world is getting more aggressive.

We have lost the respect we have for the elderly.  We have lost the respect for customers if we work in a shop.  How many times do you are an inconvenience when you go into a shop these days and have to break up the staff chatting so you can be served?

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Back in my day I would’ve been hung drawn and quartered if I served people in a shop the way so many serve today.

Ok, I accept that is a gross generalisation, but it makes a point doesn’t it!

When someone serves you how they should, or says sorry when they bump into you – it sticks with you – it is nice, it is the way it should be.

When you walk down the street with a smile instead of a scowl the world feels that little bit better.

When instead of huffing and tutting when you are held up – just accept it and use it as a moment to daydream, sort out what you need to do for the day, take a moment to read for a bit longer, whatever is holding you up – getting you angry – take a deep breath and keep smiling.

Try to live a little more peacefully, a little more calmly. 

Try to smile.  Try to be nice.  Try to be kinder than is necessary.

We all rush so much – maybe more so in the city – there is a real pressure to be fabulous at all times – to be out – to be doing something ‘amazing darling.’ Which is all fine and good and I think we all need to have a few hedonistic years behind us but don’t forget about yourself – to invest in you – to look after yourself.  We feel guilty for turning the phone off and just curling up with a movie or a book.  To not want to go out and just hang out with ourselves.  We need to be comfortable with who we are to be able to get through life, to have the confidence in ourselves to be able to go out into the big bad world.  To have the recharge needed to live at today’s pace.

Try to be kind to yourself.  Try to be kinder than is necessary.

Adopt this mantra for friends, for family, for colleagues, for the random you see on the train/bus.

If you are at school or in the work place or out for an evening – don’t be the bitch that is slagging off anyone you feel threatened by.  It doesn’t make you prettier or thinner or more butch, it just shows an ugly side to your nature.

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If someone looks a little different don’t stare or laugh or be mean – take a moment to think about how that person probably feels – take a moment to think about what they have to face every day when life is tough enough.  Take a moment and be the brave one, be the strong one – strike out against the norm’ that society unwittingly creates sometimes and be the one to reach out a hand of friendship.  Be the one to be kinder than is necessary.

If you don’t like someone – rather than being a little bitch to them – maybe try to work out why – what are you threatened by? Are they too much like you? Do they express behaviour that you see in yourself that you don’t like? Are you not able to put them in a box so you feel threatened?  Maybe take the moral high ground and again offer out a hand of friendship.

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It takes far less effort to be nice.  It fills your own life with happiness when you are spreading happiness rather than meanness.

When you are responsible for someone else’s smile rather than their tears that has surely got to be a good thing.

The world can be such a cruel place that we can forget how beautiful it can also be, that’s not just mother nature – that’s people too.

It’s easy to forget that humans are good.  The news, the papers, the magazines, they are all filled with rot, such depressing stories – it’s easy to get demoralised.  Everyone is feeling the pinch on their wallet – the fear of housing stability….and to be honest – just getting through the day can be tough enough.

So if you find you are not that nice sometimes – try to change that – we all have off days but a bully is something different – a child bully is not nice but an adult bully is positively ugly.

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If we all looked after our nearest and dearest and looked after our little patch of earth the best we could and raised our children to be decent and kind human beans the world would be a much better place.  If we all tried just a little to be kind…..to be kinder…..to be kinder than is necessary…….we would live in a beautiful world.

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Words of Wisdom Wednesday!! It’s the simple things……

We live in a modern world, in modern times, with modern “trappings” – see think about that word for a moment.

You then watch the news in these modern times and realise that humans seem to learn very little.  History repeats; far too often and for no good reason.

I often wish I could live in a world where there was no religion, no money and no greed.

Then we’d live in a wonderful world don’t you think?

The modern world has some amazing things about it but all too often we find ourselves getting weighed down by things that don’t really matter and shouldn’t be that important.

The more you have in life the more complicated things become so you should try to live as simply as possible.

The less you have the less you feel tied to and the easy it will be to start again or to move on.

Every day is a new beginning.

Every day we could start afresh.

I find myself sometimes wondering about moving and then I don’t because I have too much stuff.

How ridiculous.

So the plan is to enjoy the simpler things in life – live a more simple life.

Fill your life with laughter and friends.

That does not have to cost you a penny.

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Some of the most truest rawest forms of happiness have been caused by a lovely cloud formation, a brilliant sunset, watching squirrels play or spring lambs jump about.  It can be laughing so hard with friends that you ache and you can’t even remember what you are laughing at.  Watching a kind act from one human to another.

The simple things in life…..quite often have the biggest impacts on us ever.

So fill your life with the simple things!!

Words of Wisdom Wednesday

So Wednesday can be a tough day – you are making a good move into the week but the weekend still feels far away; then you kick yourself for wishing your life away.

Well, I will try, I can’t promise anything but to try – to help cheer you up or give you something to think about.

I saw this on the back of a greetings card yesterday:

“Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration.  The hummingbird’s delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life’s sweetest creation.”

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I thought this was truly beautiful.  Whatever happens in life has a reason to it.  Every meeting has a purpose, even what seems like a negative one can end up bringing something positive in your life, in fact, I would say it normally does.

Everything that has happened in your life has brought you to who you are today.

And if you are not totally happy with who you are today then be grateful for tomorrow, for that gives you a chance every 24 hours to start again.

It’s never too late to change or improve the things you are not so keen on about yourself and your life.  It is your life and you are in control of your own destiny.  Sometimes it might not feel that way, but that will be because you still have lessons to learn or don’t yet see the full picture.  Sometimes it takes a while for the picture to become clear.  Some can see it quickly – some need to spend a bit more time painting it first.

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This then got me to thinking about different things that have happened to me over the years that seemed hellish at the time but now – as the days and seasons pass, I can look back on those times more fondly as my memory shifts its focus to the more positive things that where also going on at that time.

I overheard someone talking about a friend who kept letting them down and it inspired this quick little story, which I wrote quickly yesterday – and which fits in with today’s topic.

Happy reading…….

As One Door Closes

When people let you down you only have yourself to blame.  It’s because you put your faith and your hope in someone that wasn’t deserving; because you expected something from someone who doesn’t have the same values as yourself.  In this case it was friendship.

Sally thought she knew what the word meant and she took it very seriously.  Not many people in her life would be called her friend, she was choosy.  Now she was wondering if she was just stupid.  She had put so much faith in her choice of friends over the years and thought she had been a good friend – but now she sat around her looking at stupid social networking sites – reading all the great things other people were doing and wondering where she got it so wrong.

She had been told that you get back in life what you give out.  She tried to be a good friend – she always had time to listen to her friends, to share with them their happiness and commiserate with them over their woes, she was always there to give a word of advice or encouragement.  If they were sick she would try to help but what had she got back for doing that?

She had neglected herself for too long.  That’s all she felt she had gotten back.  At that moment in time Sally was forgetting about the good friends she did have because of these character traits.  She was also forgetting that the friends that had given up on her when others had come along or when she needed them, well those friends were not really deserving of the title friend and their behaviour and actions said far more about them than it ever would about Sally.  But right now she was sat down being mean to herself, staring hard at the floor trying not to cry.

Five minutes before she had felt quite happy – trying to stay positive in spite of life.  She had been doing really well until she saw all the wonderful things her ‘friend’ was getting up to.

All the things her friend was doing without her.

She didn’t know what had happened – just her friends luck had risen and the importance of Sally had dropped.

It hurt her.  She knew she should just move on but she found she wasn’t able to.

See, Sally really believed in the word friendship and she took things personally.  Once you had Sally as a friend she was yours for life – she would defend you through anything and she would always have your back.

By dissing her friendship – by handing it back to her or neglecting it – you may as well have cut her with a knife, disfigured her, as that is how it made her feel – like some small town circus freak.

And all because of someone else’s actions.

She was forever told not to let someone else dictate her own happiness and she had always said she believed it yet here she was doing just the very thing she always said she shouldn’t do.

Oh well – she had always been better at giving advice than taking it.  Why change a habit of a lifetime.

Every week her and Jenny would meet up on a Tuesday and go out to catch up on the world, see a movie, catch a new band playing, one night in the week to be silly and have fun.  Now here she was, yet another Tuesday without her friend.  There had been a couple of cancellations, then a few plans made that came to nothing, Jenny didn’t even bother to cancel the plans – she just wouldn’t say anything, she just wouldn’t turn up, no apologies, no rearranging things.

Eventually Sally had finally made the decision to not contact Jenny again; all the while hoping that Jenny would notice and get in touch.  You know how you turn your phone off when you are in a fit with someone but keep turning it on every 30 seconds to see if they have contacted you yet? It was like that.  But the phone always stayed silent and the inbox always stayed empty.

All of Sally’s insecurities came out in her – everything she didn’t like about herself, even down to the shape of her nose, became the reason why Jenny had stopped calling.  Maybe she was boring? Ugly? Too poor, not connected enough…..the list would go on and on until Sally felt utterly miserable.

She would go to work and come home and hide in her room, not wanting the world to know she wasn’t going out but not understanding that she had to go out there to meet new people.  She had things to do at the weekends but in the week now that Jenny was gone she felt lost.

Not knowing that she was her home, her flatmate Jessica came bursting through the door with her new boyfriend Chad.  Chad was such a clichéd American Jock name and Chad really lived up to the stereotype.  Sally could already hear him shouting about how manly he was and knew he would be trying to get Jessica’s clothes off in the hallway.

‘Gross’ though Sally – she had no desire to see either of them clothed right now let alone with various body parts hanging out.  Oh the joys of flat sharing!

Sally waited until she finally heard the lounge door shut and crept out of the flat, careful not to make a noise, she was always scared that Chad would try to make her join in.  He was so loud and so full of himself it sort of scared Sally.

Sally wasn’t sure where to go so she just let her feet lead her.  She had been walking without looking up for about twenty minutes or more, she realised she’d walked through the normal stretch of shops she went to and was coming out onto a bit of road she’d never walked on before.  Looking up she could see a coffee shop in the distance.  She patted her pocket and sure enough she had a book on her, no surprises there.  At least this way she could while away an hour or so (she was being very generous, Chad only needed about 5 minutes……) The door of the coffee shop tinkled quietly from the overhead bell as she walked in.  Loud enough, only just, for the person behind the till to look up, and smile.  It was at that moment Sally’s heart melted just like her favourite biscuit did in her cup of tea.  She rushed through the door, pushing up her glasses on her nose and rushing to find a seat.  She slid into the seat, catching her bag on the seat opposite and half strangling herself.  She tried to take a seat with as much dignity as she had left, which was not very much at all.  It was then she realised her skirt had ridden up and she slunk down under the table trying to discreetly pull her skirt down.  Too late she realised the new love of her life was standing over her, smiling.  She tried to laugh, to smile, to giggle to do anything but the mini coughing fit she was doing now.

‘Hey Alex, table 2 please…….’

So Alex was his name.  He was called away to deal with another order before he could even speak to her.  She hoped that there would be no one else working in that shop today and that eventually, preferably when she had her skirt sorted out – he would be back to take her order.

Alex was only half paying attention to the order he was being given.  He’d seen Sally around, normally on a Tuesday night when he was out with his friends – but she was always with a girl that over played things, didn’t seem to treat people how they should be treated.  He was pleased to see her out on her own.  Maybe she’d seen through her fickle friend?

Alex hurried up and rushed back over to Sally, she looked up and smiled, knowing she was going bright red at the same time, she held his gaze for less than a second before finding the table cloth incredible interesting.

‘So would you like to go out on a date sometime?’ Alex asked.

‘Yes please I’d like the tea for………’ she paused, realising he hadn’t asked her for her order after all.

She looked up, mouth agape, not her best look, but he was still stood there, still smiling.

She knew then that things were going to be ok, she knew now that things do happen for a reason and the one door that slammed in her face now looked like it would be doing her a favour.  A big lovely looking favour.

She managed to nod her head, giggling in her embarrassment.

‘Let’s go out Tuesday……I’ll meet you here after my shift at 7?’

Sally nodded again, mentally kicking herself for losing the power of speech.

She was interrupted by her phone going; she looked down at it, as it danced across the table.

‘Do you need to get that?’ asked Alex

Sally picked up the phone and saw that the screen said ‘Jenny.’

She placed the phone back down.

Turning to Alex she said ‘No, it’s nothing important……it can definitely wait.’ She put the phone onto silent and pushed a chair out with her foot for Alex to sit down.  She had decided it was time for her to push aside her problems and get to know this boy better.