I have no recollection of writing most of this…….I love how I do that!

It’s cold out there – it’s been cold for years – but you turned up and you were like a security blanket that I didn’t even know I needed.

It was a touchless embrace.  It was just there – suddenly it was the comfort I had been needing – there were no words – there was no sound – just this feeling, a sense, a need.

Innocent perfection.  But there is no perfection so how can that be so?  It was a stolen moment that felt so right it’s the nearest to perfection that I can think of but there is no word for that but to describe it in such a way doesn’t sound as great as that moment was – it just sounds like the ramble this is.  It needed to be purer than that.

It was beyond charm or innocence.

There was nothing to it but there was everything within its seams.

So much there if it was bothered to be searched for.

It’s easy to speak, to smile to say things without meaning – but what about meaning it – laying yourself out to be vulnerable.

It’s good to take a chance and see who catches you.

You will be surprised who does and who lets you fall.

You will be surprised by why some people let you fall but you shouldn’t concern yourself with them.  Good people won’t let you fall – no matter what.

Friendship is better than nothing? What a stupid thing to say – friendship is everything – it’s the best compliment, the biggest thing in life, it will get you through the most and make you learn the most, and will make you smile and laugh.  Don’t define the lines that it comes in – just accept it – treasure it – nurture it.  Don’t ruin it.  Don’t let anything get in the way.

Those walls will only stop you – they will only damage you.  You build a wall around yourself to protect you but the heart has wings and will soar away and then it will be you left alone in your empty brick box.

Don’t define the lines.

Lines mean nothing.  They are someone else’s opinion.

And what do they know?

I am not someone else’s to draw lines on me.  It is not for someone else to try to tell me who I am.  I am not that sort of person – you can’t box me up – you should never try – if you do then you have lost and I will slowly fade away.  I will be free outside of the lines you are drawing around yourself.

I’ll be the butterfly dancing outside of the windows of your soul – the one that you sealed up and now you want to escape but you forgot how to get the windows open.

Terrible.

It must be like drowning and looking up to see the heart break on your loved ones face and realising that you only let yourself drown because you didn’t think they loved you anymore.

Lost.

Wasted.

Opportunities flowing through your fingers like tiny grains of sand, but there is no glass of an egg timer catching these grains so you can turn it over and start again – once these grains hit the floor they are gone – done – over.

Don’t ever let things be over.

Life should be a series of loose ends, you don’t know when you might need to pick one up again – or when you need to join some together.

Life isn’t meant to work out how you think you want it to – it will work out how it needs to.  How you need it to – whether you know this or not.  If you don’t get what you want exactly how you want it – it is because there is a bigger purpose for it.

I’ve seen people throw away the best friend they never had – just because they weren’t open to seeing things outside of the lines.

Find a picture and colour it in, go outside the lines – how do you feel? Out of control and stupid? Like you did something wrong? Those are forced lessons from a youth that has no place in your adult world.

Who gets ahead in life? Those that play it safe or those that think outside the box, the ones that go outside the lines, the ones that take a chance, the ones that don’t sulk but open their arms to the opportunities and don’t shut things down and turn things off, that put a covering over their heart and pull down the shutters and wonder why no one calls anymore.  Wonder why people only get so far.  It’s not worth the risk. Life is too short for those sorts of chances.  We need to feel and if you have too much around you – no one can sense your energy and you will be left withering away by yourself –growing more and more bitter as you go from ripe, to over ripe to some shrivelled up former version of yourself.

Value the friendships and know that we all started as strangers.  Think of that next time you push someone away and don’t give them the time of day.

Remember that next time you bite someone’s head off.

Remember that no matter what, people care for you – that you might not know who, or how or why – but they do and don’t go trying to change that – just because it doesn’t fit the picture you created in your head.

The picture in your head is just make believe, it’s not real life.

But here’s the thing – sometimes life is better than your fantasy – but you’ll only know if you stay open long enough to find out.

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Throwback Thursday

More 1,000 word fiction for you – I hope you enjoy!

 

Looking back it was obvious from the start.

This was never going to work.  Which was why I wanted to do it.

Like my friend who had a baby because the timing was so wrong – it sounded stupid, ridiculous, wreck less even at the time but now – it seems like it was the best thing she has ever done.

For me – I bought a one way ticket to a city that didn’t know my name.  No one knew me name. And that is what the appeal was.  I was running away from a life I no longer wanted but one I didn’t know how to break up with properly – I mean can you even break up from your own life? It was like I had to let go of the girl that I had been forced to be my whole childhood so I could become the woman I was meant to be the woman that I knew was – the woman that had always been there but hidden from view.

I could never be myself at home because I was always shouted down – I was told no far more than I was told yes.  I think that’s why even today, my default is on the negative.  I am a positive person for life and for others but for myself I am lost – sometimes I just don’t know.

So I did what anyone does when they don’t know what to do – well you have two choices – bury your head in the sand or run away.  Yeah, yeah some would say you could just deal with it but yeah right whoever does that – they don’t even do that in the films! They run.

So I ran.

Well I sauntered in my heels to the nearest train station – with two bags packed.  And I got on the train with my one way ticket feeling really proud of myself.

I looked at my suitcases.  One was full of books and writing paper and the other was full of clothes and one pair of shoes and somewhere in there I had managed to get my hair straightener – you know – the essentials.  It suddenly seemed daft – how was I going to be able to accessorise properly with just one suitcase of clothes, I was going to have to get a job fast…..there was of course that little issue of rent and bills but hey…….

I was a country bumpkin – I think – at the risk of annoying other country folk that when you have grown up in the country it gives you a certain naivety that you don’t’ have if you grew up in the city and I seemed to have held on to that into my adulthood.  I felt about 5 years less experienced in everything than city folk of my age, hell I was still scared to get the tube and still bought a travel pass instead of a single ticket just in case I got lost.

I got to Paddington far too quickly as I was starting to panic a little bit.

I had a number to call to view two properties that were ready to be moved into straight away.

It was then I realised I had no duvet.  I was an idiot.  But hey I was in the city.

The second flat was the one I chose – the first was nicer but the owner, who lived there, was a sleaze.  I swear there were holes drilled into the bathroom wall – I was glad I had been told to look out for such things but yuk how gross!

This flat was lovely – it was airy but my room was small.  I thought it would encourage me to get to know my  flatmates more as I would be forced to hang out in the communal space and not hide in my room.  I was wrong – they were horrid – I camped out in my room.

I job searched for two weeks and thankfully found a little office job – the money was not going to roll in as such but trickle slowly to my feet.

It meant I could eat, all be it sometimes just instant noodles, but my rent was paid, I had my mobile phone and the internet and the rest I would wing until I could get a pay rise.  I was so optimistic.

I went out for lunch with some girls from work and slowly got close to one or two of them.  I met some people through them and they introduced me to more.  My wardrobe was suffering – I needed more money.

That’s when I decided to try the local bar.

It was ridiculous – I was trying to hold down two jobs – one all day and one way into the night – I was looking longingly at the sales and tried to stay awake during the day.  Twice I had been caught with my eyes shut for far too long.  I was exhausted.  My flat mates stunk….literally and I was penniless.

But I was in the city – all my dreams felt that little bit closer to coming true.

Although I was single and living in a shared house that I hated the inhabitants of I still felt happy.  I shut myself off from the rest of the world and started to write.

I had tried to get away from being the bookworm and be the party girl but I knew it was never going to work.  There was nothing wrong with being a homebody and I decided to embrace it fully.

My stereo was loud enough to block out the housemates so I pretended I was living in my own place, somewhere a little more tropical than Walthamstow.  I wrote, and wrote and I wrote some more.

I then hauled myself to all sorts of publishers and agents and bam – I got published!!! Just like that.

So you see – being in the city and taking a risk it’s all paid off.  Looking back that bad move was the best move I ever made.