Story inspired by the picture:
Sometimes you sit there, holding your cup of tea, looking outside, your eyes glaze over – you think you have been staring too long but really it’s the tears welling up – starting to sting your eyes, you think it’s because you haven’t blinked in a while and you change that and blink, not once, but twice.
You made the mistake because it’s only then, when the tears start to fall that you realise you were actually crying and that’s why you couldn’t see straight and that’s why your eyes hurt.
You feel stupid, ungrateful and you beat yourself up a moment.
You remind yourself of all the lovely people in your life, your family, your friends, your pets, you think about all the good that you do and how you try to help people and the fun things you do – then you break down sobbing all the more. Now you feel guilty for not being grateful enough.
Give it a few moments and this feeling changes, and suddenly you think you hardly have anyone in your life, that no one really cares what happens to you, that you are forgotten about, not even looked down upon – just not looked at, at all.
You then feel a slight anger, a bitter voice from inside – screaming through your head that what do you expect, you’re ugly and not worth looking at anyway.
You try to make the voice die down – you feel your sobs subside but the tears are still coming, fast. You try to tell that voice that you are ok really, you could be so much worse, that really you are just a little misunderstood.
Another voice pipes up that it is not you that is misunderstood it’s you don’t understand what is going on around you. A voice, an echo of a loved one resonates around your ears, filtering through your head space. It reminds you that you are not your opinion of yourself and that if you could see yourself through others eyes you would not be so cruel to yourself that you would actually get an ego….because this voice is nice it’s not as loud as the others and it quickly disappears through your right ear and gets lost in the ether.
The louder voice takes over.
‘No one likes you. You are fat. Your hair is a mess. You are going nowhere. People don’t care what you say. Everyone wishes you would just go away. They don’t forget you they just don’t care.’
You quickly try to reason with yourself – you’ve been told your mind works at a million miles an hour, connecting things that others aren’t even aware have been said.
You try to pull up evidence but you can’t.
You sit there numb. The tears have stopped. The well has run dry. Your face stings, it tightens as the track marks of the tears slowly starts to dry. The headache starts to creep around your brain.
You feel a nervousness in your heart and try to calm yourself. A panic attack is not welcome here.
You look around you and feel even more alone. You hear the world going on around you and what is just dumb conversation suddenly sounds so witty – just because you are not part of it – everyone that laughs is now laughing at you. Every little whisper is about you. You start to think that your colleagues talk about you behind your back, or even worse, just don’t notice you at all. You convince yourself they hate you. You find ‘evidence’ of it all around. Then you start to mishear what is being said – more proof.
You leave the scene and head back home. Your friends don’t respond to your texts straight away. This is because they are driving home but to you – now – it’s because they don’t care – you picture them looking at their phones and rolling their eyes and convince yourself that they hate you too. You struggle to find evidence at first but then you start to recall the times that plans were broken and you start to put two and two together – you don’t even come up with 5 you come up with 13, you are so way off the mark but your mind won’t let your heart have a voice.
You throw yourself in the bath – just to get away….have a moment to yourself – you then realise that it’s the last thing you need as the reasoning in your head gets more twisted and mean.
You wonder if your worst enemy is really yourself and that you know it’s depression, stress and social phobia doing the best at doing its worse. But then you panic, you may be depressed, stressed and full of phobias but as Kurt Cobain once said ‘Just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean they’re not after you!’
You go to work convinced everyone hates you – you look at people different – you don’t realise it – you are probably being standoffish – you convince yourself everyone hates you more than you even thought – you think they are talking about you – you think they are ignoring you – it makes you unable to speak – you feel sick – you feel your heart go weird – you panic – you want to run but you can’t you have to stick around – you sit feeling alone – no one seems to notice – you start to think it would be best if you weren’t there – then someone says they are all going out – you have your head echo that you haven’t been invited – more proof that the world hates you – whilst you are thinking this – you miss the invite that is given to you, it is repeated, you don’t hear. The next day it’s awkwardly repeated because now you have made people think that you don’t care – you take it to be that they don’t really want to ask you and have out of duty so you tell them you are busy. On a good day you realise you can’t go because you have put too much pressure on yourself – you feel doomed whichever way you turn. You hate it – what happened to the happy go lucky girl who would talk to anyone and everyone?
You go home and you beat yourself up.
Something about this feels familiar but you can’t make it go away.
You realise you are retracing your footsteps – the ones that send you on that merry dance – on that stupid merry go round that you want to get off but don’t know how.
One day you will fall good and hard – the fall is needed – you have to hit bottom – someone will be there to pick you up – but right now you don’t know that and just feel yourself being spun round and round, faster and faster and faster…….the world spinning, everything blurring, music getting louder, the spinning getting more violent and then you fall asleep.