To all the friends I’ve ever met, to all the friends still in my life and to all the friends I’ve yet to make,
I like to be out, I like to talk, I like, no…….I love to laugh, I love to dance, I love to get dressed up and be goofy, I love going to the cinema and it’s no secret that I love a drink but…………….
You may know that all of the above has become harder and harder and harder to do.
It’s not a case of being lazy, or not being arsed, it’s like a physical thing.
It’s SO hard to just get out the front door some days. I don’t want to leave because I feel gross about myself, I feel like I don’t want others to look at me, I feel something I can’t even put into words, me a writer and I am stumped for words!
If I hear someone laughing – where once I would pay no attention or I would think ‘Yay someone is happy’, now I think ‘Oh no what is wrong with me, why are they laughing at me.’
If people are quiet I no longer take no notice or think they just want quiet time I freak out about what I did to make them not want to talk to me.
If I walk into a room and people leave, I don’t rationalise that they may have other things to do – it’s because of me – because they hate me.
Yes I am totally aware of how self indulgent that sounds/is/feels.
But this is just the tip of the ice burg.
Talk on the phone? You have to be kidding me – you might take something wrong, I might run out of things to say.
Meet you in person? What go out, and walk around on my own with people staring thinking I’m gross, walk into somewhere on my own –are you kidding me?!!
I have some heart problems due to the ferritin issues I have from a long running health problem – add this the heart palpitations that come with anxiety and it’s not just unpleasant it down right hurts.
To constantly have your head full of such things, such negativity towards yourself – it’s hard to believe that anyone wants to spend time with you. It makes you so tired, like no sleep will ever cure this tiredness.
The times I do make it out I spend all night wound up about whether I am being fun enough or interesting enough – I then go home and think that person isn’t happy with me and won’t want to be friends any more.
It’s like if you don’t hear from someone for a while you assume they hate you. Yeah ok no you probably don’t, that’s me!
I know I am being stupid – I know not everyone will love me but I know this whole thing is daft. But knowing and stopping something is not that easy. Knowing you are being stupid isn’t the same as being able to stop it. It’s not a case of just get over it, or just deal with it, it’s a physical phobia. Agoraphobics can’t just leave the house now can they.
I don’t expect people to fully understand if they have never been there – before I got this I wouldn’t have either – but sometimes people need to be more understanding – they need to be less pressuring and sometimes they plain need to meet someone half way.
I have a whole heap of friends I’ve not seen for ages because the only time they want to meet or can meet it’s 3 buses away from me and then I have to walk into a crowded place with loads of noise to meet a table full of loud people.
Oh how I would love to but I just physically can’t.
I’ve beaten myself up over all of this so much and for so long – daily, hourly, probably every damn minute of the day.
I have started to speak out to people around me and so far the response has been overwhelmingly lovely – but this is the start – I’ve got to pluck up the courage to see my doctor again yet.
A few years back I had a doctor that stopped me and asked me about the more humane side of my illness, she genuinely wanted to know how I was carrying on, how I was managing to hold down a life and a job, she said she didn’t know if she could’ve. I told her that many years ago it had been mentioned that I was suffering from BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) with some social anxiety. I agreed but it was all manageable. The issues I spoke about the other day are what tipped it over into being something that could no longer be fully managed. Anyway – the doctor and I got talking and she said she had never know anyone counsel themselves so well that I not only knew the issues I knew the root causes for them and she said when I finally found out what to do with that information the world better watch out as I would be a force of nature. Her words. And I love her a little for them and I keep them in my mind.
I hate this whole thing more than you could ever know.
I want this gone more than you could ever know.
I want to be out in the world again – living, having a laugh and being far less worried about everything than I am now.
I don’t want to look in the mirror and recoil. I don’t want to feel so useless, worthless, mute, benign.
I don’t feel like this all the time. I have some amazing people in my life who have been there for me more than they know, more than they realise and I feel beyond lucky to have them in my life. Some times I go out and I have nearly no worries at all – those times are SO precious and those times really give me hope. For those involved in those times – I love you!
I am not a total fuck up by the way and I am not a total waste of space – I WILL get through this.
It feels so self indulgent but without the fun of eating too many cream cakes but with the dull achey sickness of the over eating.
I feel wrong for feeling this was and being older than 12.
Because I’ve chosen to keep this blog viewable to everyone I know that some of the wrong people will read this – being this raw is hard – especially when you can’t control who will see it – so to all those that will laugh or will try to hurt me from this I have two words, ‘Fuck You!’
To anyone that is suffering – I have a form on my page where you can email me off the blog. If I can do anything during this I want to be able to help others – I want to break down this taboo. I want to stop people from being so judgemental and not even trying to understand – I want to stop people feeling so damn alone.
If this is too honest, too open then I am not even going to apologise.
I have had some of the sweetest messages since writing my previous blog – one person has already said it has helped them to have someone say it all out loud. So it’s already served a purpose.
I hope that my friends will understand, I hope those that do understand will continue to do so. I hope you know how much you mean to me and please don’t worry. I hope that I will get to go out and take on the world again. To the friends I no longer see – I hope you understand, the door never closed, I just tripped up the step.