I want to love her but….

Live Through This was/is a phenomenal album.  Not just for the rage or for the melodies or the heartache that surrounded it but also for the genius song writing.

But what happened?  Weren’t there drugs around back then too? As in, Courtney’s future let down releases were blamed on the drugs.  But I think there is something more.  It’s not some Kurt conspiracy, I am not saying that it was him that wrote her best songs at all – I think as a writer – Courtney is pretty damn good a lot of the time, but something is missing.

I watch this video – and I love the sparkle, the glitter, the mirror balls but there is something about Courtney herself where I feel she thinks she is looking different to how she actually does! You know how sometimes you pull an expression and you think it looks a certain way but then you catch sight of yourself in the mirror and you think ‘oh’ because something about it doesn’t quite seem right.  That’s Courtney Love to me now – and what is that? Is that her sober? Well to be frank I don’t fully believe she is – I think she’s off the illegal stuff but that by no means says you are sober – especially in la la land.

So…….is this age? Is this just who she has become? Almost like a parody of herself? Or have I just become less tolerant?

I want to like Courtney – in fact, I kind of do, I don’t think she is someone you could spend a HUGE amount of time with in one go – but she’d be good as a dinner guest or someone to go out with once in a while.  I loved her music but haven’t felt ‘it’ for a long time.

I cringed when I heard she was making music again – and this release is WAY better than anything she’s put out in the last few years…but it’s still missing something.  She’s gone back to her screech which is great but her pronunciation of things – the drama she is inflicting into these words and phrases makes me cringe – it’s so over acted but then that is Courtney – but listen to how she was singing on Live Through This and you will see clearly what I mean.

It just saddens me that new fans today would think this is who she is.  Her whole career has been the naughty Madonna – sometimes they could be sisters.  But Courtney’s biggest talent has been her own PR, she is very skilled at this.  Just like Madonna would have to admit she’s not the world’s best singer but she is probably the one of the world’s highest paid singers all the same.  I sometimes look at Madonna and think this is what Courtney Love could’ve been.   And I am glad that she’s not.  I’d invite Courtney to dinner over Madonna any day and have a lot more interest in Courtney musically too (that’s not to say that Madonna hasn’t knocked out the occasional good tune either but sorry, to me it is occasional but Dear Jesse is a permanent fixture on my ipod list all the same….) Courtney love is failing to deliver and I guess I always thought she would deliver and then some.  I love the imagery she uses, I love her writing but something about the execution makes me want to scrub away her recent musical endeavours and savour the doll parts moments of this world.

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Tiptoe across the silouhette of the moon

It is a star lit night as I look out of my window – watching the condensation….or is it rain, slowly work its way down the window pane.  Window pane…window pain…looking straight into my soul – through it – through me – into the void where my heart and head no longer talk to each other.  I knew it was wrong – I knew it and that is the thing that bothers me the most.   I knew it and still let myself talk myself around into believing the good.

I refuse to not see the good in people – I refuse to not let them show me that side.  It’s not my fault that so many people in this world aren’t good after all.  But I still refuse to believe it.  At least now I know that it is not my fault.  I am not the one that has gone around behaving, well, quite frankly, like a dick.  I am not deserving of such treatment and best to know now I suppose – best to know now that he doesn’t know how to treat a lady.

Still…knowing all this doesn’t really make it hurt any less.  Knowing all this doesn’t make things feel ok or better or like they ever will be.  I know they will be – I’ve been through worse – but the problem is the more times I go through stuff the more times I think that I am destined to just always have the wrong ones gravitate towards me.

Other people make this look so easy, they seem to have so much fun and just seem to stumble upon their match.  I just constantly stub my toe as I wonder aimlessly around this forest, tangled mess that is my life.

I see my reflection staring back blankly – the little rivers of moisture on the window looking like they are making their way down my reflections face.  I smile at her – I know what she has been through – she looks back at me with sadness, as though she knows what could still be to come.  So I reach out and pull my sweater sleeve over my hand and quickly wipe the moisture away, wiping away the  face of the errors that I have made.

I smile.  There is no reflection to smile back at me this time but I can feel the smile – I can feel the joy it fakes me into feeling.  It’s a good feeling – even if it is not yet real.

My brother was right – there are a lot of bastards out there.  Why can’t he be right about the good and positive stuff too?

I turn around to face my little bedside mirror – peering into my eyes.  They look back almost bambi like – there are no tears – not even close.  I sort of expected there to be some – but there are none, not even a slight glisten – this makes me laugh internally.  Here I am all upset yet there’s not even one hint of a tear.

I look closer.  I look tired.  I figure I should try to get some sleep.

 

 

I look up at the window at the girl that has my heart.  She doesn’t know it but things were just too hard.  I couldn’t find a way that was going to make it work in the way I wanted it too – I was getting too stressed and too angry about life and would only truly smile when she was talking to me.  Too many people were noticing but I wasn’t ready to let the world know about her yet.  There was something wonderful about her being my little secret.  I couldn’t believe she was mine – I pinched myself so often I was sure I was going to leave a permanent bruise.  But I couldn’t let the world know about us I just couldn’t and I think she took that to mean I was ashamed.

And I was. Of me. Not her.  I just couldn’t believe that someone so beautiful, so smart, so cool would like me.  We were worlds apart but somehow cut from the same cloth.

She made me laugh.  She made me think.  I felt close to her even when I couldn’t see her.  She taught me so much in just one small conversation.  She’d make me notice things I had never seen before.

She took it as disinterest.  I was just in awe.

I felt her back away and I did nothing to pull her closer.  I didn’t know what to do – I’d never cared before – I had spent a life going through the motions.

Her very being made me ashamed of my own.

Her life was so rich I started to see mine as stained, tarnished, that something was dulling the sparkle.

She was the sparkle and yet somehow I made her feel that she was the one thing that was smothering out the flame.

I did what I always do.  I played the tough guy. I played it cool.  I was so scared of getting burnt, of burning her – that I ran to the coldest place I know.  My heart.

Only it wasn’t so cold anymore.  It was full of heat for her.

I can see her face, the blank eyed stare.  I have hurt the one thing I never wanted to even slightly tarnish and now I can’t even get close.

I tried to speak to her today.  She smiled, she laughed, she spoke to me but I could see that she was holding back.  That she was nervous, on edge.  I couldn’t tell what she thought of me anymore. I could see the smile was playful, but I did wonder if it was just her playing with it not turning into a snarl.  I could see in her eyes that I had killed something – something that was there long before I came along.

I had damaged her.  I hoped not for good – but I feared…

So I slunk back into the shadows letting her think that I had just changed my mind.  I knew she would hurt but I hope that by stepping back now it will only be me that aches forever.  Something she will never know.

I look back at the window one more time and see her reach out to wipe the window.  I hold my hand out so with my distorted vision it looks like we are touching hands.  I breath a quiet prayer for her to live a happy life and I wipe away my own tears in time with her wiping the window.  As she steps backwards – I do too, and I am gone, back into the shadows of her life where for a very brief moment I did emerge.

Happiness

“What is the key to a good life? Happiness! And how do you get that? It’s not about money and what you know – it’s about keeping your eyes open. Living in the moment.  Noticing the little things. Not stressing and embracing the moment.  Having faith that life is moving along as it should.   Be grateful.  Think about what you have and not what you don’t have. Surround yourself with good people and spread a little of your happiness everywhere you go.”

Truth

“You wanna know what living life to the fullest actually is? It’s waking up on a Monday morning with no complaints. It’s knowing you always deserve to laugh. It’s doing what feels right no matter what. It’s doing what you want to, no matter how stupid you look. It’s about being yourself, ‘cause no one can tell you you’re doing it wrong.”

I just saw this on Tumblr and thought it was spot on.

We all worry way too much about living up to other people’s expectations and we forget about who and what we truely are.

This year you should make it your goal to fully embrace yourself and not say sorry for who you are.

I have no recollection of writing most of this…….I love how I do that!

It’s cold out there – it’s been cold for years – but you turned up and you were like a security blanket that I didn’t even know I needed.

It was a touchless embrace.  It was just there – suddenly it was the comfort I had been needing – there were no words – there was no sound – just this feeling, a sense, a need.

Innocent perfection.  But there is no perfection so how can that be so?  It was a stolen moment that felt so right it’s the nearest to perfection that I can think of but there is no word for that but to describe it in such a way doesn’t sound as great as that moment was – it just sounds like the ramble this is.  It needed to be purer than that.

It was beyond charm or innocence.

There was nothing to it but there was everything within its seams.

So much there if it was bothered to be searched for.

It’s easy to speak, to smile to say things without meaning – but what about meaning it – laying yourself out to be vulnerable.

It’s good to take a chance and see who catches you.

You will be surprised who does and who lets you fall.

You will be surprised by why some people let you fall but you shouldn’t concern yourself with them.  Good people won’t let you fall – no matter what.

Friendship is better than nothing? What a stupid thing to say – friendship is everything – it’s the best compliment, the biggest thing in life, it will get you through the most and make you learn the most, and will make you smile and laugh.  Don’t define the lines that it comes in – just accept it – treasure it – nurture it.  Don’t ruin it.  Don’t let anything get in the way.

Those walls will only stop you – they will only damage you.  You build a wall around yourself to protect you but the heart has wings and will soar away and then it will be you left alone in your empty brick box.

Don’t define the lines.

Lines mean nothing.  They are someone else’s opinion.

And what do they know?

I am not someone else’s to draw lines on me.  It is not for someone else to try to tell me who I am.  I am not that sort of person – you can’t box me up – you should never try – if you do then you have lost and I will slowly fade away.  I will be free outside of the lines you are drawing around yourself.

I’ll be the butterfly dancing outside of the windows of your soul – the one that you sealed up and now you want to escape but you forgot how to get the windows open.

Terrible.

It must be like drowning and looking up to see the heart break on your loved ones face and realising that you only let yourself drown because you didn’t think they loved you anymore.

Lost.

Wasted.

Opportunities flowing through your fingers like tiny grains of sand, but there is no glass of an egg timer catching these grains so you can turn it over and start again – once these grains hit the floor they are gone – done – over.

Don’t ever let things be over.

Life should be a series of loose ends, you don’t know when you might need to pick one up again – or when you need to join some together.

Life isn’t meant to work out how you think you want it to – it will work out how it needs to.  How you need it to – whether you know this or not.  If you don’t get what you want exactly how you want it – it is because there is a bigger purpose for it.

I’ve seen people throw away the best friend they never had – just because they weren’t open to seeing things outside of the lines.

Find a picture and colour it in, go outside the lines – how do you feel? Out of control and stupid? Like you did something wrong? Those are forced lessons from a youth that has no place in your adult world.

Who gets ahead in life? Those that play it safe or those that think outside the box, the ones that go outside the lines, the ones that take a chance, the ones that don’t sulk but open their arms to the opportunities and don’t shut things down and turn things off, that put a covering over their heart and pull down the shutters and wonder why no one calls anymore.  Wonder why people only get so far.  It’s not worth the risk. Life is too short for those sorts of chances.  We need to feel and if you have too much around you – no one can sense your energy and you will be left withering away by yourself –growing more and more bitter as you go from ripe, to over ripe to some shrivelled up former version of yourself.

Value the friendships and know that we all started as strangers.  Think of that next time you push someone away and don’t give them the time of day.

Remember that next time you bite someone’s head off.

Remember that no matter what, people care for you – that you might not know who, or how or why – but they do and don’t go trying to change that – just because it doesn’t fit the picture you created in your head.

The picture in your head is just make believe, it’s not real life.

But here’s the thing – sometimes life is better than your fantasy – but you’ll only know if you stay open long enough to find out.

Random Ramblings

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I often wish this were true.  Friendships are so important and so vital – as you get older I think your social groups gets smaller but better, you know what you want and who you want to spend time with and I think you get less tolerant to some of the things you were prepared to put up with when you were younger.  I see many people neglect their friends and it always baffles me.  I cherish my friendships – each and every one of them – I am so grateful for these people and hope I am a good friend to them in return.  2014 is goign to be all about doing the things I love with the people I love.

 

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I recently stumbled across this quote and I think it is beautiful.  Joanne Harris wrote the book Chocolat – this is from her book the girl with no shadow, which I am yet to read but which is now in my possession.  I love the ‘….thoughts that wonder off the edge of the world.’ I am totally adopting that to explain my way of thinking.

 

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People try too hard sometimes and forget to just enjoy themselves.  I truely believe you meet people in weird and wonderful ways – the right people just come into your life – life has a funny way of working out like that and working out just what you need even before you have worked it out for yourself.  Don’t dismiss these ‘chance’ meetings – for I really don’t believe in that – I think that you meet people for a reason – that you both have something to bring to each others lives.

 

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And this is here to remind me to start writing properly again – lately I have not had the time – what with working full time and studying two courses but I am determined to manage my time even better this year.  Onwards and upwards and hopefully my award winning manuscript will get written and make me rich!

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And this is the first thing I will buy when I become rich.  OK, maybe not – this is just something I really want – I don’t need but hey!

 

Hope you are all having a really lovely 2014 so far!

Normally blogging will resume soon ;o)

2014

Well Hello to all my readers and curious bypassers.

Happy 2014 to you all.  I hope that Christmas and New Year were wonderful affairs for you and that Santa was kind to you – and if he wasn’t then you best behave better this year ;o)

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I had a lovely time filled with friends and family.  Rather a lot of alcohol, quite a lot of food and a ridiculous amount of presents that left me feeling really humbled.  So a big shout out to all the awesome people in my life.

I never make New Year’s Resolutions because I don’t think anyone sticks to them.  I think that if you want to do something you should do it – find the motivation in yourself just because you want change, or you want to better yourself.

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2013 was quite a tough year but I try to focus on the good stuff as often as I can and everything in life helps us grow and that is the one thing as a human being you should never stop doing.

Life should be about being kind, being happy, spreading happiness, sharing, growing and experiencing new things.

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Sometimes scary things happen but this just shows you how strong you can be.  Sometimes bad things happen but this just shows you who is really there for you and it helps to teach us things about life, people and the world.

I hope 2014 is wonderful for us all.

In the meantime I am thinking about this blog for 2014.  Does anyone have suggestions for new story slots or for new daily topics? I’d be happy to hear from any of you!

 

Happy New Year

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Christmas

As I get older I still keep the joy of Christmas with me but it isn’t just about family anymore it is also about friends.  As I get older I think I appreciate the magic of Christmas but get saddened by the hallmark holiday over indulgent greed. It makes me think about how lonely Christmas must be for many….it makes me long for communities to still exist.   It isn’t about the presents…it’s about spreading a little love and christmas cheer. It’s about appreciating what you have and who you have in your life.  It’s about realising more than ever that family and good friends are the things that really count.

Happy christmas to you all. Let’s hope 2014 is a little bit awesome for us all.

Thank you all for supporting my little blog.

See you next year!!!

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Throwback Thursday

More 1,000 word fiction for you – I hope you enjoy!

 

Looking back it was obvious from the start.

This was never going to work.  Which was why I wanted to do it.

Like my friend who had a baby because the timing was so wrong – it sounded stupid, ridiculous, wreck less even at the time but now – it seems like it was the best thing she has ever done.

For me – I bought a one way ticket to a city that didn’t know my name.  No one knew me name. And that is what the appeal was.  I was running away from a life I no longer wanted but one I didn’t know how to break up with properly – I mean can you even break up from your own life? It was like I had to let go of the girl that I had been forced to be my whole childhood so I could become the woman I was meant to be the woman that I knew was – the woman that had always been there but hidden from view.

I could never be myself at home because I was always shouted down – I was told no far more than I was told yes.  I think that’s why even today, my default is on the negative.  I am a positive person for life and for others but for myself I am lost – sometimes I just don’t know.

So I did what anyone does when they don’t know what to do – well you have two choices – bury your head in the sand or run away.  Yeah, yeah some would say you could just deal with it but yeah right whoever does that – they don’t even do that in the films! They run.

So I ran.

Well I sauntered in my heels to the nearest train station – with two bags packed.  And I got on the train with my one way ticket feeling really proud of myself.

I looked at my suitcases.  One was full of books and writing paper and the other was full of clothes and one pair of shoes and somewhere in there I had managed to get my hair straightener – you know – the essentials.  It suddenly seemed daft – how was I going to be able to accessorise properly with just one suitcase of clothes, I was going to have to get a job fast…..there was of course that little issue of rent and bills but hey…….

I was a country bumpkin – I think – at the risk of annoying other country folk that when you have grown up in the country it gives you a certain naivety that you don’t’ have if you grew up in the city and I seemed to have held on to that into my adulthood.  I felt about 5 years less experienced in everything than city folk of my age, hell I was still scared to get the tube and still bought a travel pass instead of a single ticket just in case I got lost.

I got to Paddington far too quickly as I was starting to panic a little bit.

I had a number to call to view two properties that were ready to be moved into straight away.

It was then I realised I had no duvet.  I was an idiot.  But hey I was in the city.

The second flat was the one I chose – the first was nicer but the owner, who lived there, was a sleaze.  I swear there were holes drilled into the bathroom wall – I was glad I had been told to look out for such things but yuk how gross!

This flat was lovely – it was airy but my room was small.  I thought it would encourage me to get to know my  flatmates more as I would be forced to hang out in the communal space and not hide in my room.  I was wrong – they were horrid – I camped out in my room.

I job searched for two weeks and thankfully found a little office job – the money was not going to roll in as such but trickle slowly to my feet.

It meant I could eat, all be it sometimes just instant noodles, but my rent was paid, I had my mobile phone and the internet and the rest I would wing until I could get a pay rise.  I was so optimistic.

I went out for lunch with some girls from work and slowly got close to one or two of them.  I met some people through them and they introduced me to more.  My wardrobe was suffering – I needed more money.

That’s when I decided to try the local bar.

It was ridiculous – I was trying to hold down two jobs – one all day and one way into the night – I was looking longingly at the sales and tried to stay awake during the day.  Twice I had been caught with my eyes shut for far too long.  I was exhausted.  My flat mates stunk….literally and I was penniless.

But I was in the city – all my dreams felt that little bit closer to coming true.

Although I was single and living in a shared house that I hated the inhabitants of I still felt happy.  I shut myself off from the rest of the world and started to write.

I had tried to get away from being the bookworm and be the party girl but I knew it was never going to work.  There was nothing wrong with being a homebody and I decided to embrace it fully.

My stereo was loud enough to block out the housemates so I pretended I was living in my own place, somewhere a little more tropical than Walthamstow.  I wrote, and wrote and I wrote some more.

I then hauled myself to all sorts of publishers and agents and bam – I got published!!! Just like that.

So you see – being in the city and taking a risk it’s all paid off.  Looking back that bad move was the best move I ever made.